Piercing the “loneliness epidemic” with genuine connection
“Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
—Stephen Covey
I am preoccupied with the idea that we are losing connections with one another—genuine, human connections that result from authentic interactions, curiosity, and actual prolonged attention.
Somehow the phrase “loneliness epidemic” had eluded me—that is, until last week, when I heard or read the phrase in multiple places in quick succession. Hearing it—and the conversations that the idea sparked—make me think that, certainly, there is something to be concerned about.
I had the pleasure of seeing Ron Howard (bottom right) interview longtime film producing partner Brian Grazer (bottom left) about his latest book, Face to Face, at the 92nd Street Y in Manhattan last month. See a replay video here.. Read more about the book below.
The Power of Connecting
Did you know that more than half of all Americans identify as “lonely”? Have you ever felt isolated, despite being “connected” to hundreds of Facebook friends and followed by countless more on Instagram?
It seems to me that the days when people pick up the phone just to chat indefinitely are gone. Ever-present cell phones, caller ID, and our overly-busy lives have relegated phone conversations, often, to transactions—quick convos to arrange meetings or elaborate on a text. Sure, perhaps that’s a generalization, but an impromptu poll of friends and acquaintances bears this out. The oft-cited exception: Many adults, blessedly, still speak on the phone regularly and at length to their parents.
The thread that binds the many “solutions” to our loneliness epidemic? Connection, pure and simple.
Recommendations to Inspire In-Person Connection
I know that for many, particularly elderly individuals who live on their own, finding people with whom to connect is a daunting challenge. But for many of us, we are not connecting deeply even with those with whom we live.
This is not a prescriptive post, but if you are feeling similarly, you might want to explore the idea further with a few of these books and podcasts. While they may not provide a genuine in-person connection, they will inspire and offer up a likeminded community of souls in search of regular connection!
And while it may take a few minutes to gather up your courage to dial the phone, consider reaching out to someone you love just because—no quick question needing an answer, no appointment needing to be made, just a genuine desire to listen and connect. You’ll be giving both of you a beautiful gift.
BOOK
Face to Face: The Art of Human Connection by Brian Grazer (Simon & Schuster, 2019)
Brian Grazer (the prolific, award-winning film and TV producer) has written a book on the subject of connecting, Face to Face: The Art of Human Connection. “I would venture to say,” he writes, “that people today are starving for genuine relationships, a sense of belonging, and the feeling of being known and understood.”
I see this every day in my personal life and my business. Certainly, I myself feel lonely at times and crave deeper conversation on a regular basis, and I hear this echoed in networking groups, among fellow parents cheering our kids along the sidelines, and even in the media.
In his latest book, Grazer offers up anecdotes from his impressive film career as he makes connections across the globe. He is an engaging storyteller and especially in tune with his ability to bridge divides, and to listen to others with purpose and genuine attention. He argues that we are missing an essential piece of the human experience, and that “disrupting your comfort zone can lead to the most unexpectedly beautiful connections in our lives…. If I’m not stepping outside my comfort zone—as often as possible—then I’m holding myself back from opportunities to learn, grow, and see the world differently through the eyes of others.”
All it takes, Grazer says, is the “curiosity and courage to initiate engagement with another human being, and the willingness to listen and learn with an open mind.”
PODCAST SERIES
Meaningful Conversations with Maria Shriver
From the description for this new podcast series: “Through intimate, thought-provoking conversations with friends and other individuals she respects and admires, Maria dives into issues like love, pain, forgiveness, gratitude, family, faith, connection, loneliness, the art of self-reinvention, and more to inspire you to reflect on your own life and have more meaningful conversations with the people you love.”
That’s the rub, in my opinion: Listening in on her intimate conversations makes me want to have more of my own.
Pick one that intrigues you, or just listen to an episode at random to discover something entirely new: She discusses family life, evolving as a person, and friendship with Rob Lowe; radical kinship with Father Greg Boyle; the power of vulnerability with Brené Brown; and how to build meaningful relationships—and the value of simply being present—with Hoda Kotbe. The beauty of Shriver’s series, I feel, is the level of intimacy she establishes early (many guests are her friends, but for those who are not, Shriver’s clear desire to connect and listen sans judgment sets a tone conducive to sharing).
PODCAST EPISODE
The Time Ferris Show: Lisa Ling — Exploring Subcultures, Learning to Feel, and Changing Perception (#388)
“It requires time and energy to get invested in other people’s stories, but I do in my heart of hearts believe that you emerge a better and smarter human as a result of taking that time,” Lisa Ling says in the episode, which spans a wide range of topics including her career in television journalism, her personal relationship with her mother (and how it was transformed when they traveled together to Taiwan), her favorite books, and so much more.
Ling describes how her traditional Asian-American family wasn’t particularly communicative, and that it wasn’t until she began to ask her mother questions about her youth that they began to speak about emotions and genuinely connect. Ferriss asks what Lisa did to lay the groundwork that allowed her mother to finally share her story for the first time, and they both urge listeners who have difficult relationships with their parents to similarly connect.
Learning more about her mother’s childhood and backstory and sharing intimate moments with her “ignited this empathy thing,” as Ling describes, and has valuably informed her approach to storytelling—and fundamentally improved her quality of life.