Honoring a life, one word at a time
Writing an obituary is one of the most meaningful ways to honor a loved one after they pass. It’s more than just an announcement—it’s a tribute, a story, a reflection of the life they lived. A well-written obituary captures their essence, celebrates their impact, and helps family and friends remember them as they truly were.
But how do you write an obituary that goes beyond the basic facts? How do you craft something that feels personal, heartfelt, and engaging? Here are some key steps to help you create a tribute that honors your loved one’s memory.
How to write an engaging obituary that truly honors your loved one’s life
The basics: What every obituary should have
1. Start with essential information.
Every obituary includes basic biographical details, and these serve as the foundation of your tribute. Be sure to include:
Full name (including maiden name, if applicable)
Age and date of passing
Place of birth and residence
Key family members (spouse, children, grandchildren, siblings)
Funeral or memorial service details
Example: Mary Elizabeth Carter, 78, passed away peacefully at home on March 5, 2024. Born in Chicago, Illinois, she was the daughter of Robert and Helen Carter and a beloved mother to James and Laura. She lived in Seattle for over 40 years, where she built a life full of family, community, and adventure.
2. Include meaningful anecdotes and details.
One of the best ways to make an obituary feel engaging and personal is to include small details that paint a picture of who they truly were.
Did they have a signature saying or inside joke?
Did they love a particular song, book, or tradition?
What was a moment that truly captured their essence?
Example: Instead of, “He loved gardening,” try: Tom’s garden was his sanctuary. Every spring, he planted tomatoes, roses, and herbs, coaxing them into bloom with the same patience and care he showed to everyone in his life. He believed that a little dirt under the fingernails was a sign of a life well-lived.
3. Write towards establishing a legacy.
How will your loved one be remembered? Who or what did they leave behind? Take a moment to acknowledge their impact and express gratitude.
Mention surviving family and dear friends.
Highlight their lasting influence—on people, projects, or the world.
If applicable, suggest a meaningful way to honor their memory (donations, charities, or actions).
Example: Mary’s legacy lives on in the countless students she inspired, the stories she wrote in her journals, and the garden she nurtured each spring. In her honor, the family asks that donations be made to the local library—her second home and favorite place
4. Strike the right tone.
Obituaries don’t have to be perfect, polished resumes of a person’s life. They should be honest, warm, and reflective of the real person. It’s okay to acknowledge challenges they faced—just focus on what made them remarkable despite them.
If humor was a big part of their personality, include a lighthearted touch.
If they overcame difficulties, acknowledge their strength.
If their life was simple but full of love, celebrate that.
Example: This example is from the obituary of a famed obit writer himself—someone who “saw himself as the sympathetic stranger at the wake listening to the friends and survivors of the deceased, alert for the moment when one of them would tell a memorable tale that…just happened to define a life,” Robert McG. Thomas:
“Mr. Thomas, a tall man with wavy hair who spoke in a voice soft with traces of his native Tennessee, was an extremely gregarious and social man. Last week he officiated at the annual New Year's Eve party he first started giving at the family home in Shelbyville 32 years ago. About 5 percent of the town's 12,000 people attended, and Mr. Thomas, wearing a blue silk shirt with embroidered sun and moon that he bought for the occasion, cheered his guests and the new century. As in past years, he expressed hopes that the fireworks he had ordered would not set fire to the Presbyterian church across the road.”
Beyond the Basics: Tell Their Story
An obituary, at its essence, is a miniature life story. What’s missing from so many, in my opinion, are actual stories.
What made your loved one unique? Instead of just listing milestones or speaking in generalities, bring them to life through stories that reveal their passions and personality.
What brought them joy? (Hobbies, careers, volunteer work, favorite places….)
How did they impact others? (Contributions to family, community, or their profession…)
What qualities made them unforgettable? (Sense of humor, kindness, resilience, etc.)
Don’t list answers to these questions; rather, tell stories of your loved one that shine a light on their traits. “I remember when Jared…” and “I ’m sure many of you know about the time Sarah…” and “My earliest memory of Marcelle is…”—each of these introductory prompts invites a tale, a fully formed short story that guarantees to make an obituary memorable, and to enhance the deceased legacy in a way true to their spirit.
Example: “Lyle, Ruby Ann’s husband of 55 years, swept her off her feet when he ordered a 5-cent cup of coffee and left her a 25-cent tip where she waitressed at her parents' Palace Cafe. After two weeks of courting, and fun at the roller rink, they married on December 26, 1951.”
Example: “Marshall D. Berger, a latter-day Henry Higgins who taught generations of Noo Yawkahs how not to speak the Kings County English, died on May 28 at a hospital near his home in Orangeburg, NY. He was 77 and had taught speech at City College from 1946 to 1982…. And if he could not always identify the exact Brooklyn block, say, where a student had learned to play stickball, or just which of the Five Towns of Long Island he had moved to as a teenager, he came close enough often enough to awe his students….
A man who made it a point to read his morning newspaper cover to cover, Mr. Berger seemed determined to know everything about everything. If that is impossible, he made such a run at it that his daughters and their husbands, all Ph.D.s, developed a family game called ‘Stump Marshall,’ in a usually vain effort to ask him a question he could not answer.”
An intriguing idea: Write your own obituary
“The most common error I see in obituaries is to underestimate the importance of childhood and teenage years, and the struggles to find a career, a mate, a vocation, or a purpose in life,” James R. Hagerty writes in Yours Truly: An Obituary Write’s Guide to Telling Your Story, a book I highly recommend. “The experiences that shaped you are often what other people least understand and would be most interested to know.”
And it’s exactly those types of stories that our loved ones often don’t know enough about to do justice to our stories at the time of our death. So why not give writing your own obituary a go?
Whether or not your family eventually uses what you write as your actual obituary won’t matter, in the end. What matters is that you leave them something of your deepest self for them to hold onto when you are gone.
In his beautiful book For You When I Am Gone, Steve Leder offers up 12 essential questions for telling a meaningful life story—and each one of them would be useful when contemplating your own obituary. “What memories do you wish for your loved ones to carry?” he asks. “What images will dance in their hearts like a bride twirling in the perfumed air, happy and alive?”
Writing an obituary is a labor of love. Take your time. Write from the heart. And know that in putting their story into words, you’re ensuring that their memory lives on.
Recommended reading:
Eccentric Lives: The Daily Telegraph Book of 21st Century Obituaries by Andrew M. Brown (Unicorn Publishing Group, 2022)
For You When I Am Gone by Steve Leder (Avery, 2022)
Yours Truly: An Obituary Writer’s Guide to Telling Your Story by James R. Hagerty (Citadel Press, 2023)
Overlooked is a series of obituaries about remarkable people whose deaths, beginning in 1851, initially went unreported in The New York Times. Peruse the archive here, or read more in the collected obituaries in the book, Overlooked: A Celebration of Remarkable, Underappreciated People Who Broke the Rules and Changed the World by Amisha Padnani and the New York Times (Ten Speed Press, 2023)
52 McGs.: The Best Obituaries from Legendary New York Times Reporter Robert McG. Thomas by Robert McG. Thomas (Scribner, 2008)
Related, on the blog:
Learn how to write a heartfelt, engaging obituary that honors your loved one’s life with personal stories and creates a meaningful, memorable legacy.