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Dear Tim Ferriss: A letter of thanks & entreaty
Dear Tim Ferriss: Have you interviewed your parents yet? It is with a healthy dose of humility & a shot-in-the-dark effort that I say to you: Do it now—please.
“I’ve had many friends of mine ask me if I would have my mom or dad on my podcast. And they’ve also suggested that I record episodes with them, even if I never release them. And I think there’s something to be said for that. I haven’t yet done it.”
“One of the saddest sentences I know is ‘I wish I had asked my mother about that.’”
Dear Tim Ferriss,
I am a huge fan—of your podcast, your books, your support of pioneering research into the use of psychedelics in mental health. For your inquisitive mind and your willingness to let us listen in on provocative conversations with your ever-expanding circle of friends and mentors, I say: THANK YOU.
As someone who interviews people for a living, I am also a fan of your interviewing style, and have watched as you have honed that approach over the years (always anchored in curiosity and a genuine open-mindedness, which I respect).
I recognize in you a fellow seeker, and I am grateful to you for challenging my thought processes on a regular basis (and for never letting my to-be-read pile of books diminish!!).
It is with a healthy dose of humility and a shot-in-the-dark effort (will you ever read this, I wonder?) that I say to you:
Have you interviewed your parents yet?
If I could get a message to Tim Ferriss I would say: “Interview your parents. Do it now. Do it right fucking now.”
Why you should interview your parents—right now
On the November 19, 2020, episode of your podcast, during your interview with Dax Shepard, you mentioned that friends had encouraged you to invite your parents as guests on the podcast—or to interview them and record it, even if it never aired. At the time, you said maybe one day you would consider it.
I shouldn’t care, but I do. I want you to take that step if you haven’t already. I want you to interview your mom, your dad, and if any of your grandparents are living, them as well.
Because if you don’t, you will have major regrets one day.
And if you do, you will be giving a gift not only to yourself and any future children you may one day have (and it sounds like that’s on the horizon!!), but to your parents, as well.
Seriously, giving your parents space and time to intentionally reflect on their lives and to share their stories with you is a monumental gift; one they could never anticipate and one they would always treasure.
Why do I care if you do this? Why am I sending this entreaty out into cyberspace?
Because I hear regrets from everyday folks all the time that they didn’t learn more about their parents’ lives before it was too late.
Because I know this is something you’ve considered—and so if you never get to it, your regret will one day haunt you even more than if the idea had never crossed your mind.
And because you have given me so much over the years—truly, I consider your podcast interviews to be gifts—and I would like to return the favor and give you one important thing: peace of mind in this one aspect of your life.
I have been thinking about a way to reach you for months; the notion of writing this blog resurfaces for me as I finish walking my neighborhood with your voice in my ear buds at least once a week.
Then, yesterday, I heard Chip Wilson share his billboard-worthy message with you: “Do it now. Do it right fucking now.”
So I am doing it right now—imploring you to finally do that interview with your parents.
And I hope you will do the same: Do it now. Do it right fucking now
“What would this look like if it were easy?”
I ask you: “What would this look like if it were easy?” It would look like picking up the phone, setting a time to talk to your parents, and hitting RECORD once the conversation begins. It’s nothing more complicated than that. And yet, it’s everything in its payoff.
You know how one day you just said to yourself, “Fuck it, why haven’t we gone to see the Northern Lights?” thereby fulfilling a lifelong dream for your mom? And you went, and it was magical? Well, why haven’t you done this? I promise, it won’t bathe you in phantasmagorical lights, but it will be magical. And it will become the new thing you are most proud of with regard to your family.
Cal Fussman told you that the idea behind his “What I’ve Learned” interviews “is for me to interview [people] and, using their own words, show them in a light that you never really knew. So you think you know these people, and then you listen to their experiences and you say: Whoa, I never knew that about Robert De Niro or Mikhail Gorbachev.” You know what? There’s a lot you don’t know about your mom, about your dad. There are stories waiting to be shared that will help you know your parents in a more profound, meaningful way than you could ever have imagined.
All you have to do is ask for them.
Won’t you give yourself, your parents, and your one-day kids that gift?
“I wish I had asked my mom that” and other heartbreaking regrets YOU can avoid
It seems obvious: We should ask our parents about their lives—lessons, loves, adventures, ancestors. Then why do so many of us wait too long and then have regrets?
Ask your parents to share stories from their life—not only will you have the security in knowing their legacy is preserved (no regrets of unasked questions!), but you’ll undoubtedly gain some laughs and lessons along the way.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over and over again in this business of memory keeping, it’s that we all take our loved ones for granted—and we think that tomorrow or the next day we’ll be able to have that meaningful conversation. I struggle with finding a way to convey to everyone just how important it is to both
ask our parents about their lives
and tell them how we feel
—and to do so now.
Unfortunately, for many people, it’s only stories of regret that sink in:
I could tell you the story of my friend who came out as gay to his mom as she lay in her hospice bed, unresponsive. He likes to believe she heard him.
I could tell you the story of my client who had a million ideas why her mother was so emotionally closed off, but who never asked her mother to share her experiences. She is haunted by her many questions…and lack of answers.
I could tell you the story of an almost-client who booked me to interview her grandfather, who was a Holocaust survivor, only to have him die two days before our scheduled interview. We shifted to creating a tribute book in his honor, but how much more special would having his own stories have been?!
Often I simply share this powerful quote from William Zinsser that says so much with so few words:
“One of the saddest sentences I know is, ‘I wish I had asked my mother about that.’”
Have you asked your parents or grandparents about their lives? If that seems like something you just don’t have time for, please think again.
3 ways to ask your parents for their stories—before it’s too late
Not sure how to capture your parents’ stories? Here are three foolproof ways to invite, hear, and preserve your parents’ stories. Whichever you choose, I implore you: Get started now.
1 - Record an interview with your mom or dad.
No need to overthink this—just find a way to sit intentionally with your parents for the express purpose of listening to their stories. Use an audio or video recorder to capture the conversation. You can always decide what to do with it later. Choose questions from this free guide, or make them up as you go along.
2 - Ask your parents to write about their memories.
They don’t have to think of themselves as writers to undertake a project such as this, but they do need to be committed to writing regularly. So, provide them some friendly accountability: Ask if they’ll call you once a week to read their stories to you (and your siblings, if you have any—a fun excuse for a Zoom get-together!); or, undertake an email correspondence with your parents where you ask the questions and they reply with their stories.
I recommend they spend an hour or so brainstorming a list of memories, then use the items on that list as prompts for their life story writing; or consider signing up for a class with weekly memory prompts to get them going.
3 - Hire a pro to help your parents record their stories.
Whether your parents don’t have the stick-with-it-ness to keep writing, or you’re too busy or otherwise unable to interview them, or you simply want the best experience possible, consider partnering with a personal historian such as myself to record your parents’ stories and preserve them in an heirloom book. I’d be happy to chat with you about the ways to bring your project to life.
A surprising benefit of going this route: Some people feel more comfortable telling their stories to an open-hearted stranger as opposed to a family member—it could be because they know they have a captive audience who hasn’t heard their stories before, or because they may fear familial judgment for certain experiences or decisions in their past—but whatever the reason, the stories often flow more smoothly and fully when told to a professional interviewer.
This approach also allows you to let your parents know how much your stories mean to you while taking the pressure off you to guide the project through to completion.
Whether you interview your parents or ask them to journal about their life, let them know, in no uncertain terms, that their stories hold value for you. Convey just how special this undertaking is to you and not only will you get their stories, you’ll inevitably grow closer in the process.
Modern Heirloom Books offers plenty of free family history resources to help you interview your parents and capture their stories for posterity, including this guide, “56 Essential Family History Questions to Ask Your Parents Before It’s Too Late.” Click the button below to access it right now!