Memories Matter
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Missing a loved one this holiday season?
Dawn Roode offers up four suggestions for further reading (and listening) for anyone who, like her, is missing a friend or family member during the holidays.
As families celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas in the coming days, we can get caught up in the hustle and bustle, in expectations of mirth and traditions honored… For many of us, though, grief has a way of underpinning everything during this season, even amidst the joy and carols.
Those who have followed my journey for a while or who know me personally understand that loss is a theme I revisit often. I do so because the loss of three loved ones—my mother, in particular—has changed me as a person. The absence of my mom permeates my life. And while there is sadness, and there is a sense of longing—especially during the holidays—I have also gained much; I have become a new me in the wake of her loss. And I feel compelled to help others remember their own lost loved ones, to use story and memory as ways to honor those they have lost, to help them heal—even if it’s a (very) little bit at a time…
But sometimes there is nothing that will make those stabbing moments of grief go away. And maybe we’re meant to feel them. I find some consolation in connecting with others who may feel similarly; of reading others’ experiences with loss and holiday grief. And so I thought this week I would share with you a few things that have resonated with me, and a few I have written myself; I hope one or more of these will help you feel seen anew, will connect you with positive memories of the loved one you are grieving (whether they died yesterday or three decades ago), and will help you find moments of solace and light when grief seems like a shadow darkening all else.
4 ideas for finding solace on your holiday grief journey
personal reflections
I wrote this piece in 2017. I was missing my mom fiercely as Mother’s Day approached. Something compelled me to share some especially personal words on Facebook (and I am not one who is typically vulnerable—or even active, really—on Facebook). That act connected me in a most beautiful and unexpected way with a community of others who felt similar grief—and the bonus these days is that it comes up in my feed periodically as a memory. Rereading my words from that day makes me feel closer to my mom, and gives me hope when I need it. May it do the same for you:
“Wish You Were Here, Mom”
“Because a number of people expressed gratitude for my words—for recognizing my prolonged grief as their own, for glimpsing something universal in my very individual experience—I decided to share the post in this broader setting…”
being there for others who are grieving
What if someone else in your circle is experiencing grief? In a world where rituals around dying are disappearing, where talking to someone about loss feels almost taboo, I find it can be helpful to have some concrete ideas on how to be there for another who is grieving. Take a look at this story for those ideas—and know that some of them may help you, too:
A Balm for Holiday Grief
A few ideas for sharing memories of someone who has died…
LISTENING IN, living on
As an avid podcast listener, I was thrilled to stumble upon the first episode of Anderson Cooper’s podcast “All There Is” back in September 2022. He started recording while going through his late mother’s journals and keepsakes, as well as things left behind by his father and brother, narrating his experiences—and emotions—as he went. The result is a vulnerable, human, necessary meditation on grief (including a series of compelling interviews) that had me feeling seen—and wanting to hug Cooper and others walking through grief. I highly recommend giving it a listen (as for me, I will be revisiting episode two, where Stephen Colbert joins Cooper for a profound conversation).
As of December 2025, Cooper continues to explore the theme of grief in this podcast, and his generosity of spirit with his community of listeners—he says he has listened to thousands of audio messages and read tens of thousands of DMs, and that he is moved by every single one—is powerfully moving. “Listening to your messages, hearing your voices, learning the names of your lost loved ones,” he says, “has been incredibly profound. It’s made me feel less alone in my grief, and I hope these messages you’re about to hear help you feel less alone, as well.” I recommend this episode where he reads from some of those messages.
“All There Is”
I have recommended this podcast to many people this year. Anderson Cooper shares “a series of emotional and moving conversations about the people we lose, the things they leave behind, and how to live on—with loss, with laughter, and with love.”
FINDING COMMUNITY
In the wake of my mother’s death in 2009, I desperately sought community and a safe space for sharing my grief. It wasn’t easy. I eventually found a grief support group in my neighborhood in Park Slope, Brooklyn; it met at the nearby hospital and was a balm to my soul and frazzled nerves—that is, for the two sessions we met. Because it was run by a volunteer and there was no funding or outside support, it disbanded as quickly as I had discovered it. But many of us (a wildly diverse group—all ages, religions, and colors with unique experiences of recent death) had exchanged numbers. So I proposed we meet without a moderator at a local public place…and every single person showed up. That community was necessary for us then. If I hadn’t moved to another state, I would probably still be organizing our make-shift grief support get-togethers.
This year I discovered grief specialist Barri Leiner Grant via Instagram and extend an invitation to you to follow her, too, especially if you, like I was in 2009, are craving community around your loss. She offers memory circles, grief resources, a write-to-heal support group, and beautiful doses of inspiration through her work.
The Memory Circle
Barri Leiner Grant says that grief tending—“time dedicated to your release and relief”—is the foundational grounding of her philosophy. See if the tools she provides can help you maintain a meaningful connection with your lost loved one.
This blog post, originally written in December 2022, has been updated with new content on December 8, 2025.
Life Story Links: September 29, 2020
This week's roundup, heavy on video content, features stories on the nature of memoir, moving tributes for deceased, and an array of family history finds.
“Life has been your art. You have set yourself to music. Your days are your sonnets.”
—Oscar Wilde
Vintage postcard of “A Northern Autumn, Birch Drive” (originally issued by Detroit Publishing Company, 1898 - 1931), courtesy The Miriam and Ira D. Wallach Division of Art, Prints and Photographs: Photography Collection, The New York Public Library Digital Collections.
On Memoir
A MEMOIR ROOTED IN PLACE
“Life moves in strange and marvelous patterns,” Rebecca McClanahan says in this interview for Brevity magazine. “The memoir runs panting behind the life but can never catch up.” Her new book, In the Key of New York City: A Memoir in Essays, was released this month.
A LIFE BETWEEN TWO WORLDS
“Twenty-one years later I am close to finishing the memoir,” George Clever tells personal historian Patricia Pihl. “I owed my children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren information about my Lenape life, information I could not receive from my parents, grandparents, or great parents.”
Stories Untold, Discovered Anew
SACRED STORIES
“All anyone really wants is to be seen and heard, and yet we avoid seeing and hearing others every day. Even among families, there are limits to what we can expect to receive from others. Sometimes we’re left carrying our own stories, like oceans inside of us.” Sarah Kasbeer on sacred stories.
ARTIFACTS OF A LIFE
William Lamb’s mother, who died in 1992, still finds ways to speak to him through the objects she left behind. Read how a lamp unraveled the story of a life Lamb never knew his mother had.
Family History Finds
FEAST OF MEMORIES
For anyone who’s ready to begin capturing the stories that make up your food heritage, I created a list of food-themed questions that you can use for either family history interviews or writing prompts.
LOOKING TO THE PAST
This pandemic year will be remembered for sure, but it’s also important to keep in mind that, “like our ancestors, we can come together and overcome the difficulties ahead. These U.S. census records offer signs of hope of what is to come.”
LIVING THROUGH THIS HISTORIC TIME
Lock down these days with a family memoir, suggests Joss Carpreau of Elephant Memoirs in Manchester, England: “You may not want to write about it yet [if] it’s all too raw, and maybe you think the worst is yet to come. These, however, are the thoughts and feelings that will most be interesting in years to come.”
SUMMONING COMPASSION
“After writing this piece, I received my great-grandfather's death certificate and discovered he…died in the State Hospital for the Insane from Dementia Paralytica, which may well have been a factor in the sad choice of allowing his son to perish.” California–based personal historian Lisa O'Reilly on an ancestor’s heartbreaking decision.
Personal Notes from Personal Historians
CLASSICS FOR THE SEASON
The partners behind NYC–based Remarkable Life Memoirs share a few of their favorite fall recipes, including a sweet kugel “best [eaten] when you’re standing in front of the fridge with your coat still on.”
(COUGH, COUGH)
“N95 masks are de rigeur, not the pretty cloth masks that are my everyday pandemic wear. (I can’t believe I miss them!).” Personal historian Trena Cleland provides a fire update from the West Coast.
“THE STRANGEST START TO COLLEGE”
Nancy West, a memoir coach in Western Massachusetts, says she was well-prepared to help her daughter through the challenge of going off to college—but she wasn’t prepared for what happened next.
Bearing Witness to the Holocaust
LESSONS OF THE PAST
“The results are both shocking and saddening, and they underscore why we must act now while Holocaust survivors are still with us to voice their stories,” an expert says in this piece revealing the dreadful results of a survey about Holocaust awareness among U.S. adults.
THE LAST GENERATION
Witness Theater: The Film takes viewers behind the scenes of an intergenerational program which brings together Holocaust survivors and high school students to elicit and memorialize stories of the Holocaust. “These [survivor] communities are dwindling,” film director Oren Rudavsky told The Times of Israel. “It’s an action to create another generation of people who can tell their stories.” Watch a trailer below, and check local PBS listings for an upcoming air date.
Notable Losses
REMEMBERING HIS FATHER
“People used to ask my dad if he was the real Bill Gates. The truth is, he was everything I try to be,” Microsoft founder Bill Gates writes in this tribute to his father, William Gates, Sr., who died on September 14. He honors him as well in this brief video posted on his blog:
JUSTICE RUTH BADER GINSBURG REMEMBERED
“Born in Depression-era Brooklyn, Justice Ginsburg excelled academically and went to the top of her law school class at a time when women were still called upon to justify taking a man’s place. She earned a reputation as the legal embodiment of the women’s liberation movement and as a widely admired role model for generations of female lawyers,” reads the obituary in The Washington Post. The New York Times also ran a lengthy tribute that details her early family life in New York City as well as her history-making career; watch a video remembrance below.
MORE PERSONAL TRIBUTES FOR RBG
Nina Totenberg, friends with Ruth Bader Ginsburg for 50 years, shares stories of “her extraordinary character, decency and commitment to friends, colleagues, law clerks—just about everyone whose lives she touched. I was lucky enough to be one of those people.” And her fellow Supreme Court Justices also wrote moving tributes honoring their “dear friend.”
...and a Few More Links
The latest issue of Brevity magazine, with a focus on experiences of disability
A look at the history of personal food writing
New books in October include biographies of Sylvia Plath and Malcolm X plus Lenny Kravitz’s ghostwritten memoir.
Podcast episode: “Lisa Lisson on How Knowing Your Family’s History will Benefit Your Family”
This Modern Love column by Heather von Rohr is a fine example of writing about your relationship origin story.
Reminder: If you missed any of the short video classes from Save Your Photos Month, they will be available to watch through November 1.
The World Mother Storytelling Project, to be livestreamed on October 25, teaches us to listen to and tell our mothers’ stories.
Short Takes
