Memories Matter
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Life Story Links: October 8, 2019
Lots about memories, from how we may forget to how we craft them on a page; plus family history, family artifacts, and family foods that hold meaning.
“Every man’s memory is his private literature.”
—Aldous Huxley
Ellen Cantor’s “Prior Pleasures” series of double-exposure photographs (no Photoshop involved!) “explores memory and preservation of the past while ensuring the creation of a visual legacy for the next generation. The books photographed for this series are the ones I have carried with me since childhood,” she describes. Photograph by Ellen Cantor. Learn more in “Seeing Double” below.
Putting Memories into Words
COMFORT FOOD
From alfredo sauce from scratch to a thoroughly gussied up mac-and-cheese from the blue box, Carmen Maria Machado uses the foods that warmed her in the homes that she traversed to walk us through her twenties.
THE AUTHOR WHO DIDN’T CARE TO BE REMEMBERED
In this excerpt from Shadow Archives, a look at the curious case of African American writer Ann Petry—who “embarked on a shred-and-burn campaign” of her journals, letters, and book drafts—and the ways in which we scour those precious remaining archives nonetheless looking for glimpses of her life and motivations.
ALL THAT HAS BEEN FORGOTTEN
My job as a personal historian was ignited by a tribute book I made in honor of my mom after she died, and I regularly help others spark memories that may seem elusive. And yet: I have been haunted by the notion that all the memories of my own mother are…gone.
WHEN MEMORIES MEET THE PAGE
“I had written down just what my client had told me about his aunt. So why did reading the chapter move him to tears?” wonders Massachusetts–based personal historian Nancy West. “Because seeing words on a page is somehow more profound than simply telling the story.”
Pieces of Our Collective Past
IS THAT…?
“Family artifacts hold all kinds of genealogical evidence waiting to be found and added to our ancestors’ stories,” writes Denise May Levenick, aka The Family Curator. Imagine her shock when she encountered a piece of her own family history at a flea market.
HISTORY MADE PERSONAL
Lonnie G. Bunch III, named Secretary of the Smithsonian Institution in June, describes five artifacts from the vast collections that hold deep personal meaning for him, and that reflect significant pieces of our nation’s history.
SEEING DOUBLE
“I document the artifacts of the past to enrich the present,” still life photographer Ellen Cantor says. “I am interested in reimagining the family photo album and objects that hold personal histories in order to explore the distillation and persistence of memory.” Read about her multiple-exposure series exploring the pleasures of childhood reading, and head over to her website to browse some of her other work, including Family and Visual DNA.
...and a Few More Links
Washington State Parks is collecting oral and written histories of Mount St. Helens’ 1980 eruption.
The Family Narrative Project is offering a recipe storybook online course.
Story Corps. seeks support.
Short Takes
Are my memories of my mother gone?
As the tenth anniversary of losing my mom approaches, I have been caught up in thoughts of the past—but where are those vivid memories that once flooded me?
Me and my mom in the front yard of our Putnam Lake, New York, home, June 1971
Lately I have been having a recurring dream. It’s not a good dream, and it haunts me throughout my days. Have I lost all memories of my mother?, I wonder. I awake not knowing, searching, afraid. Of course I haven’t lost them all…but my fears are real, grounded in my reality that I have no one in my life to talk to regularly—deeply—about this most special person in my life.
Usually I share advice-driven stories on this blog. I decided, instead, to share some recent writing I did about my mom, and my experience of grief, here. Why? Because I think personal stories connect us. Because I think the grieving process, while unique to each of us, is also universal in many ways.
And because too often I hear the words, “What stories do I have to tell that matter?”
And while everyone—truly, everyone—has stories to tell, sometimes it’s the stories we can’t tell that may resonate; the ones we have to search for, feel rather than see, that come forth. Just because I am not relating specific details of memories of my mother in this passage, it was worthwhile for me to write—cathartic, yes, but helpful too on my path to remembering yet more, and honoring my experience as it is being lived, right now.
Soon I will share a post about ways to access and trigger our memories in an effort to write meaningful memoir. But for now, as the tenth anniversary of my mother’s death approaches, I offer up this most personal (and brief) piece as an example of what may result when we focus on our experience of, well, not remembering.
Losing Her, Again
It is not reconstructed memory or exaggerated legacy to say that there are no superlatives great enough to convey my love for my mother. She was my role model, best friend, hero, and champion. My daily phone call. My witness.
Lately, I can’t remember her.
I want movie reels.
I want to see my mom lunging toward me for a hug, leaning back into a belly laugh that could go on for minutes. Pulling groceries out of the trunk of her brown Mazda, closing her eyes as I drive across a bridge. Smelling daisies in the kitchen, back-to-school shopping at Petrie’s five-and-ten. Playing kickball in the front yard in Brewster, making quiche in my galley kitchen in Brooklyn. I want to see Lillian Roode, here. Somewhere.
If my memories are silent films, that’s okay. Hearing her voice would bring me to tears, joyful tears; but seeing her in motion—well, maybe I could touch her, if I just reached far enough.
After she passed away I was feverish with intent.
I wrote her eulogy over the course of a fews hours in the middle of the night, between sessions breastfeeding my three-month-old son, in a nondescript motel room lit only by the glow of my laptop. I was hungry for stories of her—stories I had not yet heard that would shine a light on her soul, stories I had heard so many times they had become lore. The new kept her alive, the old brought comfort amidst the knowledge that she was, indeed, not alive.
At her wake, I listened to all that friends and families offered up, though I heard very little; I was present that day in body, not spirit.
Months later I would surrender to my insomnia and reach for the ornate journal I never wrote in for fear my musings would not live up to the grandeur of the leather-bound book, and I would write and write and write, hardly pausing for breath: bulleted lists in barely legible handwriting enumerating every single little memory I had of her. I wanted them all. When I would pause to think and memories did not wash over me immediately, I felt unworthy. Of my grief, of my happiness, of her belief in me.
Some nights I wrote the same memories I had scratched out the previous evening. No matter; I was desperate to not forget. My neat, deliberate script turned into sprawl as I raced to recover my dreams, convinced as I was that they held secrets of her in the beyond, glimpses of the memories I couldn’t access on demand.
Where did they go, my memories?
I have no one in my life who shares my familial grief, no one who knew my mother for the length of time that I have and who misses her the way I do. No one in my life with whom to reminisce, swap stories, or get lost in laughter.
I want to cry.
I want to occasionally swim in my grief. To allow myself to fill that hole inside me with buoyant water and float amidst my memories. To invite another in to see my mother’s reflection alongside me, to recognize her in me, and to find her somewhere in the void.
If not occasionally, perhaps once.
But.
The hole is there. The memories, the tears, are not.
Where did they go?
Life Story Links: September 24, 2019
We've got help on your life story writing journey, reasons to tell your stories at all, and some moving examples of first person writing to inspire you.
“…though I try to grip the memories, they blur and shift with time. It seems that the more I take them out to look at them, the more I alter them by looking.”
—Laura Kennedy
Boys gathering leaves, front lawn in Bradford, Vermont, October 1939. Photograph by Lee Russell, courtesy Office of War Information, Library of Congress.
Writing, and Revealing, Our True Selves
YOURSELF AS CHARACTER
Nicole Breit looks "at ways you can nurture the split between person and persona, and learn a few tricks to develop yourself as a character on the page” when writing memoir.
ILLUSTRATED JOURNAL
From the Amazon description of Journey, a book of visual and literary prompts: “It is a place where private dreams and musings, stories, and sketches come to life—and an ideal gift for those who wish to explore and then record their memories and dreams.”
THE MYTH OF DISINTEREST
When an acquaintance told me that her grown kids have no interest in listening to stories about her formative years and life experiences, I was compelled to revisit this topic once more: Your grown kids may not “care” about your stories now, but they will one day. They will.
WHAT NOW?
Are you stuck with your life story writing? “It’s not the lack of time. It’s not clutter. You don’t have ‘writer’s block.’ It’s probably that you just don’t know what to do next,” writes Alison Taylor of Pictures and Stories in Utah. She responds with some clear, actionable next steps to short-circuit your procrastination tendencies.
Reminders of Times Gone By
IMBUED WITH MEMORIES
"I didn’t want my grandfather’s things to just be another box of stuff. If you don’t pass these stories on, they get lost.” Five families talk about objects they could never part with—heirlooms they have cherished and preserved—because they hold meaning beyond their physical worth.
AS TOLD TO, FOOD EDITION
“Whatever else we put on the table, rice and shoyu was always the linchpin. We had it for dinner every single night of my childhood. It’s intimately tied to my sense of home.” Sanae Yamada on how returning to the foods of her childhood grounds her.
GERMAN PHOTOGRAPHY ARCHIVE
German culture minister looks into creating a central institution charged with archiving and sharing the country’s photographic cultural heritage to secure “the visual memory of our society.”
Celebrating Love
“WE GATHER HERE TODAY…”
At the book launch for one of her memoir clients, Nancy West was struck by how the gathering had all the best aspects of a memorial service: rich details about the person's life, loving tributes from his closest friends and family members. But there was one key difference—he was present to take part in it.
BUBBE DAYS
“I do want [my granddaughter] to remember me, not specific events so much as my presence. I want her to know that I helped care for her, comfort her and celebrate her. That I was there, a part of her life, and loved her ferociously,” Paula Span writes in this thoughtful piece about what our grandchildren will—and won’t—remember about us.
THAT TIME HE SHAVED MY LEGS…
Wisconsin–based Sarah White, who has been leading life writing groups since 2004, created “True Stories Well Told“ as a place to highlight stories of real life. Recently she shared her own sample of object writing, a piece of flash memoir she wrote guided by the prompt, “What is your earliest memory of your longest love partner?”
WAVING GOODBYE
Maria Rivas shares a remembrance of her mom, who was “strong in everything",” with StoryCorps Legacy, a project that gives people with life-threatening illnesses the chance to record their story, and their loved ones a chance to remember. Listen in:
...and a Few More Links
Google Photos hops on the memories bandwagon.
What indigenous stories can teach a new generation of farmers
'A Photo Album of Ireland' exhibit offers insights into personal histories.
Congrats to NYC–based Remarkable Life Memoirs on turning three!
Short Takes
Think your grown kids don’t care about your stories?
Ever tried to talk about your childhood with your grown kids only to be met with a lack of interest? They might not care now, but they will one day—I promise.
I was recently chatting with another local entrepreneur about our businesses. Her interest was piqued by a life story book sample I had in tow, and she was clearly drawn to the idea of preserving her stories.
Fast-forward two weeks, when I bump into her again: “I was talking about what you do with my 24-year-old daughter. She clearly had no interest in learning anything more about me or her father—she just doesn’t care.” As she said this, there was a look of barely concealed anguish on her face, her body folding in on itself.
Oh, my.
Of course this isn’t the first time I have heard such a sentiment. Many people with whom I speak tell me that their kids—even adult children with families of their own—could not care less about their family history.
“If they cared, they would ask me what my childhood was like.”
“I’ve tried to tell my kids about what it was like to move here from China, but they barely listen.”
“Are you kidding? Of course I don’t talk about my past with my kids.”
The thing is: They might not care now, but they will someday.
How do I know? Because I have heard the regrets of too many. Folks who wish they had asked the questions, heard the stories, witnessed their parents as people beyond ‘mother’ and ‘father’—before it was too late.
Let me ask you this: Are there things you wish you knew about your own parents? That you wish you had been able to ask them before they passed away?
Now: Did you care about those things when you were in your twenties?
If you put yourself in your grown kids’ shoes, you’ll see that their lack of “care” about your past—about your experiences and wisdom—is because they haven’t learned to care yet. They take for granted that you’ll be there when…when they need something, and when they eventually want to talk (and listen). They are in the midst of forming their own lives, focused on the “me,” not, ahem, on you.
You get that, right? It doesn’t mean they don’t care; it means they don’t care to pay attention just yet.
Your stories are the gift they don’t yet know they want.
Whether you begin writing anecdotes in a question-a-day journal or sit down with a personal historian such as myself, please do something to share your stories for posterity.
Don’t let your kids have regrets.
Still not convinced your stories will matter one day?
Browse the posts below to explore why it’s so crucial to preserve your life stories now for the next generation.
Life Story Links: September 11, 2019
The art and craft of memoir, a most unlikely family heirloom, audio life story preservation, and more reads from the world of personal and family history.
“Like a mosaic, we all contribute the broken shards of our memories to a larger picture that, while imperfect, creates a beautiful whole life.”
—Julia Shaw
Books…
THE ART AND CRAFT OF MEMOIR
In Juncture Notes’ first quarterly magazine, founders Beth Kephart and William Sulit present “Art: Honoring the Life” (a look at writerly approaches to persistent memoir concerns) and “Craft: Try This on for Size” (showcasing an exemplary text and a related writing prompt).
THE BOOK OF PRINCE
Prince rejected the list of co-writers recommended by his publisher, opting instead to work with a Brooklyn writer who had yet to author a book. Dan Piepenbring on the process of becoming the iconic musician’s memoir collaborator.
…and Beyond
PLACES IN THE HEART
The studio that turned out to be a family heirloom: When a New Orleans native goes apartment hunting in New York City, she happens upon a place where her mother lived in the 1970s.
VIRTUAL LEGACY?
“Where [the Hereafter app] differs...is that we’re not actually trying to recreate the dead person to reanimate them through technology.... It really is a high-tech interactive sharing of oral history.”
FAMILY HISTORIAN GIFT IDEAS
I haven’t had this much fun curating a blog post in quite some time! After keeping notes on family-history finds over the course of the last year, I put together a buying guide that includes my favorite high-end gifts for genealogy buffs as well as a few smaller presents to consider.
HEAR, HEAR
On the most recent episode of The Life Story Coach podcast, Amy Woods Butler talks with personal historian Gloria Nussbaum about why and how she captures clients’ voices and stories on audio recordings.
NEVER FORGET
On this 18th anniversary of 9/11, take some time to read first person accounts of survivors and first responders in the stories section curated by The Voices of September 11. “They are a record of the confusion and courage, the unity and loss, that make up our collective memory of that day”.
...and a Few More Links
Storytelling in healthcare is a two-way street.
Free “Talk of a Lifetime” activity guides, including family tree and recipe activities, as well as a guide for involving the grandkids in your story sharing.
6 Google search tips for genealogy to help you find your ancestors
“Americans” photographer Robert Frank, who died this week, advocated for “less art and more truth” in his and others’ creative work.
Short Takes
Best high-end gifts for family history lovers
Looking for a special gift for a family history lover? From heritage trips to legacy books, these luxury finds will surprise & delight any genealogy buff, guaranteed.
A web search for “family history gifts” yields a lot of kitschy tchotchkes and nonfiction books galore, but what if you want to get something extra-special for the family genealogy buff? I’ve rounded up a few of my favorite ideas, from customized, framed family trees to personalized life story books.
Consider gifting one of these family history–themed items to a loved one for their birthday or a holiday, or add one of the more luxurious choices (like an exclusive travel packages to your ancestral home) to your family’s wish-list and let everyone chip in!
7 Great Genealogy Gifts
1 - Custom Family Tree
Okay, maybe the plastic tubs of newspaper clippings and document copies aren’t exactly HGTV-ready, but every genealogy-loving soul should have at least one family tree framed and on display—why not gift them with one that’ll knock their socks off?
For those with a traditional bent, I opt for the ancestor trees from Branches Art, which pair nature-derived colors with illustrated trees (you know, the kind with actual leaves).
And for those who gravitate more to modern styles, I recommend I Chart You, whose heritage charts are minimal and clean—and can be downloaded in high resolution for your own use or printed (check out the gold foil on white option) and framed.
Want a major pop of color? My Tree and Me offers unique modern designs, as well, with choices that would fit particularly nicely in a child’s room or a cool office space.
Now those handwritten pedigree charts that are seemingly always in-progress can stay out of sight while the family names get museum-quality treatment.
I Chart You
Branches Art
My Tree and Me
2 - External Hard Drive
While the paper-hoarding tendencies of family historians cannot be denied, more and more research is being conducted online, and digital backup of documents is a must. One can never have too many external hard drives for archiving and research on the go.
If you’re the technical one in the family, select a disk you think would be best for your loved one. If, on the other hand, your family history–loving friend is particular about things (ahem, most genealogist types, ahem, are), I would suggest getting them a gift card to the Apple Store or Amazon, where EHD options abound.
3 - Heritage Travel Tour
Ever wonder what your grandparents’ hometown in Puglia was like? Whether you want to sample the cuisine your ancestors ate, gaze out from the harbor from which they immigrated, or tour a bunch of sites that dot your genealogical map, consider booking a customized trip to explore your family origins. Ancestry ProGenealogists offers genealogy cruises as well as guided heritage tours; and Classic Journeys will customize an ancestral trip whether you have a little or a whole lot of family history info to go on—seek origins, explore the world, feel connected like never before!
4 - Professional Genealogist Services
At some point in every family historian’s journey they will hit the proverbial brick wall. There may be no more viable “hint” leaves on ancestry.com, conflicting information on one line of ancestors, or seemingly no place to start in researching another line. A professional genealogist can help locate documents in foreign countries, resolve discrepancies in research, or trace your roots back for generations. Discover how to choose the right genealogist for you with advice from Legacy Tree Genealogists, and search the Association of Professional Genealogists for someone near you.
Legacy Tree Genealogists
association of professional genealogists
5 - Gift Certificate for a Personal History Interview
Is there someone in the family who has stories to tell and then some (you know, your favorite family dinner guest!)? Or a loved one who you know has experienced life to the fullest but who sits quietly listening to everyone else? Let them know how much they are valued by gifting them with a few hours of personal history interviews.
Their first reaction might very well be, “What stories have I got to share?!”—but I say with confidence that everyone’s memories matter, and an experienced personal historian will help not only set the subject at ease and draw those stories forth, but help shape them and find a meaningful narrative thread.
Please don’t be among the regretful who wish they had asked questions of their loved ones only after it’s too late.
Don’t worry too much about what to do with the interview material (I craft heirloom coffee table books from my clients’ stories, but I have colleagues and friends who specialize in audio clips and video biographies, too). For now, find a personal historian who makes you feel comfortable, then get those stories flowing—and feel secure in knowing they are preserved for posterity. Did I mention this one’s as much a gift to YOU as it is to your recipient?
Modern Heirloom Books - Gift Certificates
6 - Photo Organizer Services
Too often we don’t think about what will become of the boxes and devices full of family photos until someone dies, and then the emotions and overwhelming volume of stuff to deal with can cloud our judgment. Buy your parents a package with a photo organizer, who will help sort, purge, digitize, and memorialize the photos that mean so much to your family. It’s worthwhile to contract a professional for this time-consuming and important endeavor.
Find a professional photo organizer near you in this national directory.
The Photo Organizers
A few more (lower-priced) gift ideas for the family history lover in your life:
What’s your favorite? Do you have any other unique gift ideas for the family history lover in your family?
Life Story Links: August 26, 2019
A curated selection of first-person reads to inspire your own storytelling (or just sit back and enjoy!) plus memoir recommendations & life story writing tips.
“Be the silence that listens.”
—Tara Broch
Photographed for LIFE magazine. ©Time Inc.
First Person Reads to Inspire
SLICES OF LIFE
I have read the Metropolitan Diary in the New York Times for decades, finding comfort and humor in the ultra-short episodes of city life chronicled there. Why share here? Scroll down to “Near Macy’s, 1989” to read a 242-word slice of life and tell me: Don’t you wish all our parents would recount such memories?
CONVERSATIONS, LOVE
“She seemed to enjoy these interviews… I wanted it all—everything I might want to ask her—but wouldn’t be able to. And I wanted to be anywhere but in the ER for the seventh time.” In a piece that resonated deeply with me, Melissa Berman recalls what was said, and not said, between her and her beloved aunt as they approached her final year.
TRANSLATING A CHILDHOOD
“I will never speak the language of Alejandro’s loss...nor will he learn the language of my grief... We can only ask how the other pronounces their pain.” Brittani Sonnenberg writes lyrically about finding oneself—and belonging—in a life lived across five countries.
Tips & Recommendations
WHERE THE HEART IS
Susan Hood of NYC–based Remarkable Life Memoirs offers up six thought-provoking memoirs exploring the idea of home and having one’s own personal space.
THE FAMILY TABLE
As I have been immersed in the design and production of a set of heritage recipe cards (with ample space for memories, of course—stay tuned!), I decided to share a few tips for easily capturing food memories.
GO PRO?
“It’s a question we ask ourselves often, whether we need a haircut, a birthday cake, or a fresh coat of paint on the house: Should I do it myself, or hire a professional?” Olive Lowe of Life Stories by Liv in Phoenix offers up four solid reasons why you might consider hiring a pro to help you preserve your most precious memories.
RETIREMENT AS FRESH START
One of the authors Carol McClaren works with at Arizona–based Unique Life Stories began his writing career while on a cruise with his wife—“because if I didn't,” he says, “I'd explode!”
...and a Few More Links
A list to bookmark: The top 25 films that explore memory
LitHub’s Fall 2019 previews of memoir (including the anticipated Blood by Allison Moorer), biography (including a sweeping new bio of Susan Sontag), and history books
Photographer explores the fractured identity of second-generation members of the Chinese diaspora
Short Takes
Recipe for remembering
Our food memories—sneaking tastes of Nonna’s sauce from the pot, learning to grill ribs from Dad—are worth preserving. Ideas to easily capture stories & recipes.
Ever have a friend drop by your house unannounced and drool over the smell of your simple chicken soup? Have you ever craved a gooey peanut butter sandwich after a bike ride with your kids? When foods remind us of the past—especially fond memories from childhood—we find comfort and more than a little inspiration for revisiting those times.
When I am interviewing a client for a life story book, often it’s their food memories—recollections of sitting around a family table, sneaking tastes of Nonna’s sauce straight from the pot, or learning to grill from Dad—that call forth meaningful stories.
How about you?
Preserving your food memories
I encourage you to record handwritten recipes from your own kitchen (your kids’ favorite meals, holiday traditions) along with recipes from your family archive (the birthday cake passed down from your mother-in-law, the Old-World dishes that bring a taste of your heritage home).
Then take it a step further by jotting down the memories associated with those recipes. Ask the kids and other relatives to do so, as well (everyone has their favorites, no doubt, and it’s fun when memories overlap!).
Trust me, you are creating a meaningful—and delicious—legacy! Stash the cards in a recipe box, or use them as the raw material for a family cookbook.
A few ideas to get you started:
Grab a piece of note paper and jot down a list of recipes that hold meaning for your family. Don’t think just about holiday meals or complicated dishes—even that three-ingredient dish that you fall back on during busy weeknights should be included. My grandmother used mayo instead of butter to cook up the best grilled cheese ever, and you can be sure I’m passing that simple but critical tidbit on!
If the recipe was handed down by a relative, indicate with whom it originated, and any tweaks subsequent cooks have made along the way.
Consider asking family members to fill in cards and contribute them to your collection. It’s always wonderful to have notes in loved ones’ own handwriting, and reading the memories they attach to the recipes will be a tasty bonus.
Be specific.
Mention the cast-iron pan with the always-loose handle that Bubbe cooked his eggs in. The apron Aunt Ida wore only on Thanksgiving. How cherry Jell-o brings you back to your childhood, and the aroma of anise transports you to Brooklyn at Easter.
Details, details—the scents and colors and textures...the truth of the story lies in the details.
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