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Life Story Links: May 20, 2025
Dawn Roode’s curated roundup for the week of May 20, 2025, includes recent stories of interest to personal historians, preservationists, and family history fans.
“As a bird must sing, it’s your human nature to tell your story.”
—Tristine Rainer
Vintage postcard depicting a black-and-white photograph of German performers circa early 1900s, from the personal ephemera collection of Dawn Roode.
Our lives, our stories
THE PUZZLE OF YOUR LIFE
Last week I wrote about writing towards your memoir. “Write, then write some more; read, analyze, tweak; then write some more. Then, as you begin to uncover patterns, you can MAKE something of what you have written.”
LEGACY PLANNING
“Nostalgia has its place. But if you're aiming for cohesion, belonging, and wise stewardship in your family’s future, story isn’t just a nice-to-have. It’s strategic.”
GENEALOGY: SIDEWAYS STRATEGY
“Because living relatives possess what dead ancestors cannot give you: context, stories, photos, and artifacts that bring your family history to life. This is how you transform genealogy from a sterile collection of facts into a vibrant family narrative.”
CREATIVE NONFICTION MASTER
“There is no higher praise for a work of factual writing than to say that it reads like a John McPhee book.” Read an excerpt from Looking for a Story by Noel Rubinton by Peter Hessler (May 2025, Princeton University Press).
The family history we feel and seek
THREADS OF TIME
“As the world has changed, so has my family story. Not the facts or the bones of the narrative arc, but the meaning made and the memories I lean upon. And, more importantly for the shape of the story, as the world has changed, so have I—the narrator.”
‘THE END IS THE BEGINNING’
“I relied on memory, lived experience, stories my mother, my sisters, or other relatives or friends told me about my mother and her family before I was born, photos, scrapbooks, and research to evoke the milieu of my mother’s life.”
‘HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT’
“From childhood, Julie Brill struggled to understand how her father survived as a young Jewish boy in Belgrade; in her memoir, she recounts how through exacting research, a bit of luck, and three emotional trips to Serbia, she returned to her father a small part of what the Nazis stole: his own family history.”
GENERATIONAL TRAUMA
“My grandmother, Nina, had always described her rural western-Ukrainian childhood in romantic terms. I would sit for hours in her Chicago kitchen while she told stories about the old farm, how every beet, potato, onion, and egg came from the family’s garden.”
A PERSONAL HISTORY OF HER MOTHER
Writing the book “raised the bar” on the empathy this writer felt for her mother as she understood the milieu her mother lived in and discovered the aspects that shaped her mother in the early years of her life.
‘FEEDING GHOSTS’
“The point at which I felt I had accomplished what I set out to do with this story was when, for the first time, my mother told me that she understood how much I loved her,” Tessa Hulls says of her Pulitzer-winning graphic memoir.
The past, in pictures
‘A PRICELESS INHERITANCE’
Curators in Memphis have begun the painstaking process of saving a trove of 75,000 photographs that capture middle- and working-class life. It will take years—maybe even decades—to complete.
JEWISH WWII VETERANS
“I grew up listening to their stories and perhaps this is why ever since I became a war photographer, I didn’t just want to photograph wars, but also the veterans who had fought in previous ones.” He captures their personal histories, too.
CHRONICLING OUR LIVES—INSTANTLY
The upcoming doc Mr. Polaroid tells the little-known story of the man behind the camera, a Harvard dropout named Edwin Land. Over a half century ago, before the smartphone, Land was dreaming up “a camera that you would use as often as your pencil or your eyeglasses.”
IN DEFENSE OF SOUVENIRS
“The Japanese have a word for when an object stirs a memory—natsukashii.” Physical keepsakes, whether priceless or prosaic, can be the most meaningful mementoes of a trip—here are 10 visually interesting ones.
...and a few more links
The pressure of ‘making memories’—is it the scourge of modern parenting?
Photographer captures the lives—and spirit—of immigrant moms in a striking and unexpected way.
New collection from Assouline is inspired by treasured family heirlooms.
“My grandfather was a Nazi executioner at Auschwitz—and I had no idea until 7th grade history class”
“A new biography of Mark Twain doesn’t have much of what made him great”
Short takes
Putting the pieces together (aka memoir ‘making’)
By holding as your goal the idea of ‘writing your memoir,’ you are focused too soon on the end goal. Instead, think about writing towards your memoir.
During the design phase of a personal history book, I often spread pages out all over my office floor to evaluate the book’s flow. Similarly, in the early stages of a memoir—when writings may consist of disjointed stories and short reflections without any narrative arc—I will spread pages out on the floor to look for patterns. Sure, you can do this on a computer, but I find this old-school approach much more efficient (and satisfying)!
It’s a rare individual who decides to write a memoir and knows out of the starting gate the path their writing will take. No, it’s much more common to decide to write a memoir…then to wander—to wander amidst memories, to wander on the page, even to wander in one’s commitment to the endeavor as a whole.
When coaching my memoir clients, it can often be helpful to talk about ‘making’ a memoir rather than ‘writing’ a memoir. It’s a small semantic shift, but an effective one. Why?
Well, whether we call it imposter syndrome or insecurity, many of us (me included) may find ourselves staring down a blank page and letting our imagination get the best of us—and who doesn’t have thoughts in those moments such as,
Why is this so easy for everyone else?
I read ______’s memoir, and it was powerful and clear—they certainly weren’t all over the place like me!
Where the hell is this writing GOING?!
But ______’s memoir—hell, every memoir written by a human—was in its early stages all over the place. Disjointed. Lacking a theme or narrative arc.
Every memoirist has wondered where the hell their writing is going.
How to gain clarity on your memoir’s theme
By holding as your goal the idea of ‘writing your memoir,’ you are focused too soon on the end goal, in my opinion. In reality, you are writing towards your memoir. So: Write, then write some more; read, analyze, tweak; then write some more. Then, as you begin to uncover patterns, you can MAKE something of what you have written.
As William Zinsser recommends in this brilliant piece (I recommend reading the whole thing if you have time), begin writing by following the memories as they come to you. Keep writing—short vignettes, slivers of memory, feelings from your childhood, favorite stories you’ve told a thousand times…
“Then, one day, take all your entries out of their folder and spread them on the floor…. Read them through and see what they tell you and what patterns emerge. They will tell you what your memoir is about and what it’s not about. They will tell you what’s primary and what’s secondary, what’s interesting and what’s not, what’s emotional, what’s important, what’s funny, what’s unusual, what’s worth pursing and expanding. You’ll begin to glimpse your story’s narrative shape and the road you want to take…. Then all you have to do is put the pieces together.”
Admittedly, “putting the pieces together’ may not be as simple as it sounds—but it is straightforward and fun, like putting a puzzle together: the puzzle of your life. Not your whole life, of course (a memoir isn’t an expansive tome covering every autobiographical tick on the timeline of your life), but the aspect of your life that has revealed itself in this exercise as holding meaning.
So, begin writing towards your memoir. One day in the future, I promise, you’ll be able to make it out of the raw materials you’ve penned.
Life Story Links: May 6, 2025
Dawn Roode’s curated roundup for the week of May 6, 2025, includes recent stories of interest to personal historians, preservationists, and family history fans.
“This isn’t a tell-all because some of what I’m telling you is what I don’t know. I’m offering the absences, too—the spaces I know aren’t empty, but I can’t see what’s inside them. Like the white spaces between stanzas in a poem: What is unspoken, unwritten there? How do we read those silences?”
—Maggie Smith, You Could Make This Place Beautiful
Vintage postcard depicting a faded photograph of two daisies postmarked from Bari, Italy, in 1906, from the personal ephemera collection of Dawn Roode.
Between generations
A SURPRISE ORAL HISTORY
“I was impressed that my father put this project together with such care, resurfacing stories my family had long repressed. I was also dumbfounded that he somehow had zero follow-up questions when my uncle said he was ‘attacked by Malaysian pirates.’”
TIME CAPSULE
“Imagine opening a letter from your younger self, a glimpse into the dreams and anxieties of a fifth-grader. That's exactly what happened to a group of graduating seniors.”
SHARING, OR OVERSHARING?
“I share my life on social media; I share my life in my newsletter; now, I’ve shared my life in my book. [My son] is a massive part of my life, and because of this, for the first time in my decades of public oversharing, I have a reason to censor.” Arianna Rebolini on writing about your kid in memoir.
Our own personal histories
WHAT’S STOPPING YOU?
“I’m scared,” the prospective client told me immediately after calling me about undertaking a personal history project. So we delved into their why—and their fears. Then I decided to share some of these common anxieties…and how to alleviate them.
MEMORY MAPPING
Florida–based life writing teacher Patricia Charpentier invites you to sketch your childhood street and the layout of your home, labeling everything you can remember. As you create your map, old memories might float to the surface.
Fighting for the future
REQUIRING EXTRAORDINARY EFFORTS
“Whoever controls the archives controls history.” A look at why it is important for Ukraine to work on protecting and preserving archival collections during wartime.
HIGHLIGHTING—AND HONORING—MILITARY STORIES
“It was hearing their life story—it humanizes people. It’s easy to label people and put them in boxes, but we all have a story, we all have lessons, we all have so much value to give.” Retired Air Force vet’s podcast shares hero stories.
...and a few more links
The Memory Box, Charlotte’s Big Surprise—a new children’s book that tackles loved ones’ memory loss
Read an excerpt from Dirty Kitchen: A Memoir of Food and Family by Jill Damatac.
Presenting thw 2025 Pulitzer Prize winners, including those in Memoir and Biography.
Read an excerpt from the new biography Dickens the Enchanter by Peter Conrad.
Short takes
“I’m scared.”
Are you nervous about undertaking a life story project? Working with a personal historian or memoir coach can help alleviate many of the most common fears.
Before I had even met with a particular prospective client, he told me has was scared.
He had filled out a form expressing interest in writing his life story. I replied to him within 24 hours, but did not hear back from him until about three months later. At that time, I urged him to set up a free phone consultation, so I could learn more about the project he envisioned. He scheduled that for a week later, then did not answer the phone when I called.
Then he emailed me: “I’m scared.”
That’s it—two words, but two words that hold so much weight.
Have you ever felt nervous about undertaking a life review project? Whether it’s a reflective memoir, an extensive family history, or just a few short stories encapsulating your favorite memories, starting any personal legacy journey can feel daunting.
Working with a personal historian or memoir coach can help alleviate many of the most common fears.
A few fears that my personal history clients have told me about over the years:
Fear that their family members won’t be interested in their life story.
This is one I hear ALL the time. And you know what? It’s often the case…for now. Your family members are living their lives, and likely taking for granted that you—their parent or grandparent—will always be there. But your stories are the gift they don’t yet know they want. Writing them now—even if it’s for them to appreciate later—is giving them an unequivocal gift.
Fear that they won’t remember enough to write a memoir.
Memories can be elusive. Especially for folks who don’t often share their stories around the dinner table or in a journal, accessing those memories might seem like an impossible task. But we professional personal historians and memoir coaches have plenty of tools and prompts at our disposal to help! Consider using this straightforward and EASY prompt that is guaranteed to yield surprising memories; use your senses to help you travel back in time; or consider picking up a journal designed especially to stir memories, like this one from Beth Kephart.
Fear that they will have a hard time managing their emotions when writing about traumatic life experiences.
It’s a common refrain that writing about hard times can be cathartic. It can, but as Lisa Cooper Ellison writes in this post, catharsis is just the beginning. Writing about trauma is generally only worthwhile—and valuable, even healing—when we can make some meaning out of it. “Writing well requires an open heart,” Ellison says. “That means you must relive a small portion of the incident as you write about it.” In other words, you will relive some trauma if you write about it—but while there’s no way around that, there are ways to cope with it. Limiting writing sessions that cover traumatic experiences to a half hour or so may help; allowing yourself to write from a distanced perspective will, too. Some people swear by writing groups or trustworthy readers to offer them support when writing about difficult experiences; and others find walking this path with a therapist is necessary. Make sure to include self-care as part of your writing ritual, and be gentle on yourself—if it feels too hard today, wait until tomorrow. Though it likely is a scary endeavor, writing into our trauma can be life-transforming for many. (And remember: You can do all of this just for YOU…write in a private journal, either as a first step, or as the thing itself; no one else need ever read your words.)
Fear about being vulnerable.
Exposing our emotions is scary. Remember that you are in control of what makes it into the final draft of your memoir, so if something feels too exposed, you can always cut it. But also remember that it’s our vulnerability, often, that proves most powerful for our readers. “Revealing oneself is an act of radical generosity: letting oneself be seen allows others to do the same,” Robin MacArthur writes. “And this vulnerability creates connection.”
Are you scared of taking the first step in preserving your life story for the next generation? Set up a free 20- to 30-minute consultation to see if working together can help settle those fears—and get you on the path to preservation.
Life Story Links: April 22, 2025
Dawn Roode’s curated roundup for the week of April 22, 2025, includes great recent reads on memoir, family history, life story writing, and legacy preservation.
“There’s basically an element of fiction in everything you remember. Imagination and memory are almost the same brain processes. When I write fiction, I know that I'm using a bunch of lies that I've made up to create some form of truth. When I write a memoir, I'm using true elements to create something that will always be somehow fictionalized.”
—Isabel Allende
Vintage postcard depicting an illustration of The Museum of Natural History in New York City, circa 1920, from the personal ephemera collection of Dawn Roode.
Our own stories…
WHAT WE REMEMBER
“It can be intensely rewarding to remember more of your life, but it takes time; if you don’t have time, you don’t experience the rewards, and so you become less inclined to prioritize the enlivening of your own past.”
FROM REFLECTION LAGOON TO FAMILY GATHERING PLACE
“Memories are bridges to the past, guiding us in understanding who we are and shaping where we’re headed,” film biographer and StoryKeep founder Jamie Yuenger shares at the “Remembrance Island” stop on the wonderfully imaginative voyage of reflection mapped out here (it’s worth the trip!).
A GUIDE TO THE ART OF JOURNALING
“Journaling as a process is utterly alchemizing, with practical applications in every area of one’s life and work. The journal is like a chrysalis: the container of your goopiest, most unformed self.” Read an excerpt from The Book of Alchemy by Suleika Jaouad, releasing this month…
…Then get a glimpse into Jaouad’s first intimate book event: “I began to feel relaxed and grounded, amused by what I was remembering and delighted by the way my memories led to other long-forgotten memories.... Journaling with these lovely humans was a resounding reminder of how soul-soothing and expansive it is to spend time on the page.”
WHAT HAPPENS TO OUR JOURNALS WHEN WE’RE GONE?
Would Joan Didion have wanted the world to see her notes on therapy? Readers can decide when Notes to John, which shows the writer grappling with guilt and vulnerability, is published next week. I pondered the question of what to do with one’s journals a while back, too.
Our family’s stories…
ECHOES THROUGH TIME
“That document you’re staring at? They touched it. Their hands were there. Their hopes were fresh. Their future— your past—was unwritten.” Why you feel connected to ancestors you’ve never met.
BE A FAMILY HISTORY DETECTIVE
There’s way more to family history than clicking on digital hints and scouring online genealogy sites. Last week, I shared three ideas for tracking family history clues IRL.
FINDING HIS ROOTS
As his hit PBS series Finding Your Roots closes its 11th season, the Emmy-nominated historian and celebrity genealogist Henry Louis Gates, Jr., explores his own family history.
‘I SEEK A KIND PERSON’
“Julian Borger’s haunting, revelatory book exists in the shadow of a parent who, like many survivors, spoke little about his past. Part of Borger’s task is to illuminate that anguishing tension between forgetting and remembering.”
In pictures
AN ODE TO VERNACULAR PHOTOGRAPHY
A family photo taken in 1950s Cape Town mirrors another from 1970s Kyoto or 1930s Rome. They are fragments of a collective memory, silent witnesses to what it means to live—to love, to grow, to remember.”
THE GIRL IN THE MIDDLE
“With her name in hand, I found her story—buried deep in legal files, memoirs, government records, and fading family memories.” Historian Martha A. Sandweiss on the history held within a single photograph.
Short takes
Become a family history detective (the fun way!)
There’s way more to family history than clicking on digital hints and scouring online genealogy sites. Here, three ideas for tracking family history clues IRL.
All of genealogy can be thought of as a treasure hunt or a detective mission: You’re searching for clues to the past, one document at a time. But beyond the paper trail, there are other paths you can follow to help you understand your ancestors’ lives, to flesh out their stories, and to add texture to your family narrative.
3 ideas for going on a family research adventure
Search for treasures at home.
Have you searched your attic and basement for boxes of photos or scrapbooks or other items your parents or grandparents saved? Too often, particularly when a family elder dies, we just stash these boxes away because we are overwhelmed dealing with logistics of the loss, or too emotional to rummage through them. Check out this free guide for tips on how to navigate that process, including what to search for, where to look, and how to handle the waves of grief that may ensue.
Search for treasures at family members’ homes.
Maybe you’ve seen a photo of your extended family on the mantle at your cousin’s house for years and never thought to ask for a copy for yourself. Or maybe you know your brother inherited a separate box of Dad’s things after he passed, and you never thought to inquire as to what was within. I guarantee you that every person on your family tree has some clues to your own family history—all you need to do is ask. Consider arranging a visit: You bring the meal, and invite them to bring out those dusty boxes. You bring the questions, and invite them to share some stories. You bring your curiosity, and invite them to get excited about the past along with you. Make this particular detective mission one centered not just one fact-finding, but on building connections!
Take a fact-finding trip.
It might be as simple as driving 20 minutes to the street where your childhood home was located, or as elaborate as creating an entire itinerary and traveling out of the country to your family’s homeland. After jotting down some questions about various PLACES from your past, consider if any of them might be answered by undertaking a trip.
A few ideas:
Perhaps an ancestor is buried in a cemetery that is not indexed on Find-a-Grave: Go there, physically, and take photos of the headstone to determine (or confirm) your ancestors’ names and birth and death dates. Are there other family members in the plot that might be new to you, too? (Why don’t you upload one—or a few—photos of other grave markers to the Find-a-Grave website while you’re at it? Someone will be grateful one day.)
Maybe there was a diner or mall or bowling alley where you made frequent visits as a child with your family? If you want some sensory input to help you travel back in time to access your memories, putting yourself in the environment will help. (A recent trip I made to my hometown, for example, flooded me with memories in the most unexpected ways—turning on a road I had forgotten about where a close childhood friend had lived, and driving by my high school parking lot…)
Did you determine that you are almost 100-percent Italian through a DNA test? Or uncover Ashkenazi roots you didn’t know were present in your bloodline? Consider traveling to places where your ancestors may have lived. There is now a whole industry built around heritage travel. You could hire someone to craft a custom itinerary based on your family history, or just visit a new country where you have roots to immerse yourself in the culture, hear the language, and eat the food. Make sure to prepare like the detective you are by having at least a handful of specific objectives during your travel. It might be visiting a specific address you unearthed on a genealogy document, or visiting a local archive to answer specific questions you’ve had trouble answering through online repositories. Maybe there’s a ‘lost’ recipe you’d like to recover—find a restaurant that caters to locals and might be able to help you.
Grab a notebook, a pen, and your camera, and get ready for adventure, family history detective!
Life Story Links: April 8, 2025
With three weeks’ worth of news, the curated roundup for April 8, 2025, is overflowing with great reads on memoir, family history, and life story preservation.
“There is an ancient Zulu greeting: Sawubona. It literally means, ‘I see you.’ Sawubona implies, ‘I know you. I recognize your worth, passions, pain, strengths, weaknesses, and life experiences.’ Isn’t that the goal of every human interaction?”
—Gina Vild
Vintage postcard with handwritten note addressed to a recipient in Winchendon, Massachusetts, postmarked from New York City in 1906, from the personal ephemera collection of Dawn Roode.
On telling our own stories
HOW GHOSTWRITERS CAN HELP
“It is truly a special moment when someone else accurately and authentically captures our own life.... Such is the mission of a ghostwriter, offering catharsis to an author while giving readers a gripping story to read.”
CLOSE—BUT NOT TOO CLOSE
In a recent post I shared two questions to ask yourself to determine if you have enough emotional distance (and why you need it) to write about your life.
BUT DOES IT MOVE THE STORY FORWARD?
“Revenge writing in memoir is never, ever a good, or valid, creative intention.” Elissa Altman shares the three questions she asks herself before writing about someone who has harmed her.
WHO LISTENS TO YOU?
“More than one interview subject has teared up and needed to pause once they get going during our interview sessions—once it dawns on them that I am not going to interrupt them, and that I am listening intently.”
WE’RE ALL STORY KEEPERS
“Whether it’s a 90-second video or a three-page story or a full book, really the core of it is, How did life change you?” says personal biographer and ghostwriter Rhonda Lauritzen in this recent TV interview.
Memoir miscellany
‘FOLLOW YOUR MIND’
“I vote for letting everything tumbleweed together over multiple drafts and editing on the printed page (edit, print, edit, print) and recording out loud to see if it’s working.” Diane Mehta on writing her new memoir-in-essays.
PIECES OF A LIFE, RECLAIMED
“When I got to the end of the memoir, I realized the story I’d written wasn’t the one I’d intended to write,” Samina Ali says. “What emerged as well was a full-throated love letter to the vital act of storytelling.”
BEYOND DOCUMENTING EXPERIENCES
“This is memoir braided with interview, feminist journalism, dreamscapes, and the occasional excellent recipe,” Ariel Gore shares in an interview. “It’s about how a diagnosis becomes part of your story but doesn’t have to be your whole story.”
TRACING FAMILY MIGRATION
“There are so many choices to be made when we set out to tell the stories of others based on documents and interviews.” In conversation with Caroline Topperman, author of the hybrid memoir Your Roots Cast a Shadow.
LOST, FOUND, KEPT
“I have learned through my long writing practice to trust my voice. It’s the wisest part of me and I always listen to it, particularly in my early drafts when I’m excavating for the truth.”
A MEMOIR OF BODIES AND BORDERS
“In the realm of records, her trace has always been slight. Born without a birth certificate in the days of British rule, her name was first written in 1955,” Sarah Aziza writes of her grandmother. And of her father: “With before locked away, he did not see his life as aftermath.”
TALKS WITH BUBBE
“I’ve seen the way one small nugget can lead to another, and just how much of a world can live within a single detail. I’ve really learned that from listening to [my grandmother] and how she tells her stories, seeing what details stay with her.” Listen in as Marion Roach Smith talks with Brooke Randel about writing her new memoir:
The historic record, memory, and research
ARCHIVES OF ARCHIVES
In the wake of the firing of “the head of the National Archives and Records Administration,...whose motto is ‘the written word endures,’” librarians and guerrilla archivists are trying to save our country’s history.
PHOTOGRAPHIC LEGACY
“Editor and New Yorker Reuel Golden had the pleasure of diving into the Atlantic archives” for the retrospective coffee table book 75 Years of Atlantic Records from Taschen.
FROM ASHES TO ART
“It’s better than anything I could have salvaged. This is something that comes only from a place of love.” Seventeen artists around the country help California wildfire victims preserve memories through custom home drawings:
LAYER UPON LAYER…
“What is the obligation of the people who came after—those who survive the survivors—who carry the story, who carry the residual trauma and haunted memories of their families?” For years, her friend’s father asked her to recount his childhood escape from the Nazis. Why did it take this journalist so long?
Finding the past
THE PERFECTLY IMPERFECT WAYS WE REMEMBER
In Memory Lane, two psychologists lay out the vagaries of how we remember, proposing that “memory is like a Lego tower, built from the ground up, broken down, put away and rebuilt each time it’s called to mind.”
MORE ON EPISODIC MEMORY
One of the co-authors of that book was recently interviewed on the following podcast: “If somebody’s memory doesn’t accord with yours, they’re not necessarily lying. They might be mistaken, or you might be mistaken.”
...and (a lot!) more links
This fragile handwritten autobiography was mended for posterity.
Yes, happy memoirs do exist—here, some recommendations from Patricia Charpentier.
A short, fun peek at how a mixtape fits into one family archive.
The process used to uncover fragile fragments from centuries past, plus an even more detailed account here
66% of Americans say they use photos to feel closer to their loved ones.
New research: Brain scans confirm babies form memories, challenging long-held beliefs.
“What would it mean for society if we harnessed DNA to store everything forever?”
“As children, they fled the Nazis alone; newly found papers tell their story.”
Reflecting on the healing power of storytelling: “reparative journalism” discussion guide
Short takes
“Who listens to you?”
We are a world of talkers, but what we need is to listen, and to be listened to. Find inspiration from author Kate Murphy and personal historian Dawn Roode.
“When I interview people—whether it’s a person on the street, CEO, or celebrity—I often get the sense that they are unaccustomed to having someone listen to them. When I respond with genuine interest to what they are saying and encourage them to tell me more, they seem surprised; as if it’s a novel experience. They noticeably relax and become more thoughtful and thorough in their responses, assured I’m not going to rush them, interrupt, or glance at my phone. I suspect that is why so many end up sharing such tender things—unsolicited by me and wholly unrelated to the story I am writing. They find in me someone who will finally, at last, listen to them.”
This paragraph is from the introduction to You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy—I had jotted it down as a reminder to write about this phenomenon someday. The notation about the author and the book title was on the reverse side of the piece of paper I wrote the quote on. So when I unearthed the scrap among my things recently, I thought for a moment I had written these words; the sentiment and the experiences reflected within are as if my own (though, admittedly, it’s been a while since I interviewed a celebrity!).
It’s common—too common, really—for people to feel almost shocked when I maintain eye contact and do not interrupt their story sharing. More than one interview subject has teared up and needed to pause once they get going during our interview sessions—once it dawns on them that I am not going to interrupt them, and that I am listening intently.
Kate Murphy interviewed many people for her book, and among the questions she asked them, she writes, was, “Who listens to you?” The answers, as you can imagine, were not overwhelmingly positive: Many, many of us feel like we are not being listened to, and even, says Murphy, that we are not good listeners ourselves.
If you’re interested in exploring this—how we got here, how we can change course—I recommend picking up a copy of You’re Not Listening.
For a sampling of the author’s thinking and her voice, I recommend listening in to this Fully Booked podcast interview with Kate Murphy:
And for a few of my (very quick!) thoughts on the topic, read on.
Listening is an active endeavor.
Listening is not the same as hearing. Listening is a conscious act—being open to receiving the words and messages of another. “Listening is an act of community,” author Ursula K. LeGuin wrote. So next time you ask someone a question, pay attention to their answer; when it seems like they are done speaking, take a beat—awaiting more from them, perhaps, and listening to your shared silence. There is much there to hear.
Listening makes you a more empathetic person.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It can be developed through practice, and it's not a fixed trait. “When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” This is an oft-quoted sentiment from the 14th Dalai Lama, and it resonates for a reason. By listening to (or reading) another’s stories, we are given the opportunity to see ourselves in their experiences—and in so doing, help us understand their perspective.
Everyone is interesting if you listen to them.
It’s partly a matter of asking the right questions, partly of giving someone space to share, but it’s mostly a matter, in my opinion, of listening—if you listen with an open heart and an abundance of curiosity, every person will show themselves to be interesting.
I hope you have someone in your life who listens to you—really listens to you. “Love is listening,” artist Titus Kaphar has said (and, oh, how I agree!)…and we are all worthy of love.
I leave you with this quote, written in my commonplace book years ago, from one of my most beloved writers:
“In the silence of listening, you can know yourself in everyone, the unseen singing softly to itself and to you.”
—Rachel Naomi Remen
