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Life (and life writing) lessons from a WSJ obituary writer
Why leave your legacy in the hands of someone else? Try your hand at writing your own obituary with these tips—it just may be the start of your mini memoir.
James Hagerty, a longtime obit writer for the Wall Street Journal, shares his years’ worth of life writing wisdom in the book Yours Truly: An Obituary Writer’s Guide to Telling Your Story.
There are many reasons I recommend picking up a copy of the book Yours Truly: An Obituary Writer’s Guide to Telling Your Story by James R. Hagerty. Among them: his flair for telling a good old, draw-you-right-in story, honed over decades as a reporter; his ability to distill a lifetime’s worth of living into a manageable piece of writing that is both enlightening and engaging; and his respect for everyday folks whose names we might not otherwise know had he not shined a light on them on the Wall Street Journal obituary pages (and now, in this book).
Most of all, though, I recommend you read Yours Truly to glean some life writing wisdom for yourself. My hope, like Hagerty’s, is that it will put you on the path to writing your own mini-memoir long before your family needs to craft your obituary.
For now, here are five lessons derived from the book to spark your inspiration.
Your family wants your stories—even if they seem disinterested now.
Have you ever been to a funeral, a wake, or shiva and witnessed how hungry the family members of the deceased are for stories—for any and every little morsel of memory about their lost loved one? I have. And I have also been the grieving individual desperate for such recollections.
In my years of creating tribute books to help people memorialize their lost loved ones, I am continually saddened by the regrets my clients express: regrets for not asking as many questions about their family member’s life as they “should have”; regrets for not expressing their feelings and gratitude before it was too late.
As Hagerty shares in his book, it’s often not until someone sits down to write an obituary that they realize how limited their knowledge is. “I am struck by how much [family members of the deceased] care about ensuring their loved one’s life will be remembered—and by how little they know about that life.”
This, by the way, is in no way laying blame—we all fall into this trap of taking our loved ones for granted, of thinking of them as “mom” and “dad” without really reflecting on them as individuals with rich lives of their own. Even professional personal historians like myself have felt this way—heck, it’s the reason many of us came to do what we do.
Hagerty, too, expresses: “Even if I had tried to write [my father’s] story, I would have struggled. I lived in my father’s house for my first 18 years and saw him at least once a year for the next 20-some. How can it be that I knew so little about him? Even the basic facts are blurry.” Of course he regrets not knowing more, not asking more—and it’s only in hindsight that he wishes his dad told his story—“I’m sure we would have read every word and kept it in a safe place,” he writes.
Just because your family members aren’t asking for your stories now doesn’t mean they won’t want them someday. They will, I promise.
You’ve got stories worth telling—really.
“My life is boring.”
“Ugh, I don’t have any stories—just scattered memories here and there.”
“I’ve lived a simple life, not worth talking about.”
I’ve heard all the excuses for not writing about your life and, frankly, they’re rubbish. I have yet to meet a person who felt this way who didn’t ultimately go on and on about their experiences during a personal history interview, only to surprise themselves with just how wonderful their life has been! Sure, it may take a while for some people to get warmed up, but by asking them the right questions and leading them on a path of self-discovery through reminiscence, they inevitably rediscover just how riveting their life has been.
You can “find” your stories through writing, too, and in his book, Hagerty brilliantly walks you through how to do just that. As he says, “If you think your life has been uneventful, think again. Once you start writing, you may find it’s been far more interesting than you realized.”
In addition to offering up three questions you should ask yourself before embarking on any autobiographical writing, Hagerty shares plenty of examples of life writing that will showcase just how fascinating so-called “regular” people can be—and trust me, there’s a lot to be gained by reading about the lives of others if you want to write about your own!
Recounting tough times is as important as sharing happy memories.
This is a topic I address with every person I work with: Yes, the happy memories and funny stories should go into your book—but your challenges, your failures, and your resilience must be there, too. It’s those stories that may one day provide comfort or guidance to one of your children. It’s those stories that show your humanity and that inspire.
Just as I encourage my subjects during personal history interviews, Hagerty too encourages his readers to go beyond describing episodes from your life to find meaning among them. Be thoughtful about what an experience meant to you, about what lessons you learned. Place these episodes from your life in a broader context.
“The experiences that shaped you are often what other people least understand and would be most interested to know.” Yes!
And don’t just think about recent milestones from your life. Hagerty notes that “the most common error I see in obituaries is to underestimate the importance of childhood and teenage years, and the struggles to find a career, a mate, a vocation, or a purpose in life.” It’s during those formative years that some of our biggest—life-defining!—decisions are made. They are worth exploring in a loved one’s obituary and in your own memoir writing.
Check out the book that inspired this post
“In life stories, generic will never do.”
We’ve all heard the maxim Show, don’t tell. Paint a picture of the environment you describe. Be specific about place names and clothing styles. Choose details that reveal your specific experience—including details of our modern life, for what we take for granted today may one day seem dated, even quaint: corded phones, drive-in movie theaters, and handwritten (mailed!) letters seem like relics of the past, but even more recent references to sending someone a message via a pager, hanging out at the mall, or picking your “top 8” in MySpace are already “of their time.”
This doesn’t, of course, mean to flood your stories with details, but choose telling ones, and be specific when it counts. If you are talking about your first job, describe the company and your role with real examples. If you say you felt demeaned at work, share a representative episode that made you feel that way. Allow your readers to imagine themselves experiencing life alongside you.
“Without details,” Hagerty writes, “a story shrivels into oblivion.”
Something is better than nothing.
I’ve said to many a personal history client, “Done is better than perfect.” So, too, is something better than nothing.
I am grateful for the few things my mom hand wrote in the memory journal she kept on her bookshelf. She answered about 10 of the 100 or so prompts with a mere sentence or two—and while I wish she wrote more, I cherish those sentences.
“You may never finish the project,” Hagerty writes. “That’s okay. An imperfect, incomplete story, offering whatever you can to muster to explain yourself and share the lessons you’ve learned is a precious gift to your friends, loved ones, and maybe even posterity in general. As for the memories you will resurrect and the insights into living you may discover, those are gifts to yourself.”
It’s a gift to your family, as well. A gift of legacy they will assuredly keep in a safe space in their home, and in their hearts.
Note: This is an unsolicited review of a book I purchased at full price. I did not receive any compensation or free products in exchange, and any endorsements within this post are my own.
Affiliate disclosure: As an Amazon Associate, we may earn commissions from qualifying purchases from Amazon.com.
Life Story Links: March 28, 2023
Dawn Roode curates the best of what she’s read this week on the topics of family history, life stories, memoir writing (and reading), and leaving a legacy.
“The great stories are alive.”
—Ariel Burger
Vintage photo of a young girl, with other children in background, in a vacant lot behind tenement housing in East Harlem, New York City. Photograph by Rómulo Lachatañeré, courtesy of Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture, Photographs and Prints Division, The New York Public Library Digital Collections.
Preserving our legacies
“BOOKS HAVE MY HEART”
Last week I answered a question I’m often asked: Why life story books, and why coffee table books in particular? Why not video? Why not audio?
PARTS UNSPOKEN
“It requires a certain level of trust for someone to be vulnerable and share their story. The person at the center of this exercise becomes the subject of their own life.” A look at educational biography.
MEMORIAL REFLECTIONS
How do you want to be remembered?, Patricia Charpentier, a Florida–based life writing teacher, asks in this short piece written after a funeral stirs questions of legacy.
NARRATING OUR LIVES
“Over the years, I have realized a parenting inversion: Just as we narrate our children's lives when they're quite young, our children eventually narrate our lives when we're quite old.”
First person reads worth your time
WHEN A ROAD ENDS
“I wrote the kernel of this piece over ten years ago, and still work to make sense of parts of this story,” Marjorie Turner Hollman writes in this piece on life-changing events in her own life, and lessons learned along the way.
UNLIKELY OASIS OF PEACE
“I am sometimes not sure which is the more remarkable: that life lives up to great paintings, or that great paintings live up to life.” This excerpt from Patrick Bringley’s memoir takes place at The Cloisters in upper Manhattan.
HOW WE SEE AGE
“The first person who portrayed old age for me was my grandmother, my father’s mother, Erma King Aldrich, the woman who bore my last name, the woman I called Nana, the only woman in my family who made me feel loved.”
Memoir notes
THE ‘FIRST JOB MEMOIR’
In this piece looking at the evolution of the “first job memoir,” one author “sees her job as simply a job, rather than as a crucible for forging her identity,” while others take different approaches to their work narratives.
SELF PORTRAIT
“For a writer so relentlessly suspicious of the accounts we give of ourselves, and so attuned to the meager defenses we muster against self-exposure, memoir is a risky medium.”
ON THE THEME OF AGING
“The mystery of what makes you and your childhood self the same person despite a lifetime of changes is, after all, one of the most interesting questions of philosophy.” Grace Paley on the art of growing older.
...and a few more links
“4 powerful reasons to write your family history even if no ane else cares”
An intriguing look at how an admired figure in the literary world essentially forged his identity
It’s never too late to solve your adoption mystery
Short takes
What to do when you have too many memory-keeping ideas
Don’t let all those memory-keeping ideas swirling around your head overwhelm you. Instead, take some time to hone in on which stories to tell first—here's how.
Lots of light bulbs going off in your head? Consider that a good problem to have—chances are your next life writing project is amidst that mental clutter! Take a few steps, outlined below, to hone in on which topic to tackle first.
I recently had a conversation with a gentleman who had a multitude of ideas for book topics—he wants to tell his own story, his mother’s story, the story of his more-than-100-year-old family business, the story of the best friend from college who recently passed. The talk was chaotic—a maelstrom of memories. It was exciting.
Fertile ground—that’s my positive spin on what can often be considered overwhelming: early talks with folks who know they want to preserve their legacy in a book, but have too many ideas. For while it can indeed be overwhelming for you, I am able to take notes as an objective listener and ask questions to help you refine your goals and, ultimately, set priorities.
Sheer overwhelm is, from my experience, the number-one reason most people let their life story book ideas languish. I’ve written a lot about ways to minimize that overwhelm (check out this post for easy ways to minimize the fuss and just get started, for example)—but right now I want to focus on narrowing down your ideas to the most pressing one.
How to choose which life story theme to explore first.
These steps are applicable whether you want to write your memoir (perhaps as a series of vignettes!), speak your stories into a recorder to be transcribed for a life story book later, or simply to create a photo album or oral family history. No matter the final form of your life story preservation, following these four simple steps will help you get control of your ideas and settle on one topic to tackle first.
Step 1 - Do a brain dump.
Get all those ideas out of your head and onto paper. It’s okay if your scribblings are as messy as those ideas swirling around your mind—just write them down, one phrase and memory at a time. This is what we call brainstorming, and it’s both effective and cathartic. Give yourself 10 minutes, tops, but try not to pick your pen up from that paper…keep the ideas flowing! I recommend doing this with good old-fashioned pen and paper.
Step 2 - Make a list.
Type up your handwritten ideas in list form without regard for order or relevance. Don’t edit or ruminate over anything; just make it presentable, then print a copy you can mark up later.
Step 3 - Step away from the page.
Seriously, slip your paper in a drawer and forget about it for a week. This will give you enough emotional distance to approach the next step with the necessary perspective.
Step 4 - Set priorities.
Okay, maybe this one’s a little thorny. What if every idea looks A-MA-ZING?! What if your heart palpitates at the thought of choosing one life story topic over another? It’s all good. It means you’re excited about preserving your stories and, most likely, that you’ve lived a life filled with stories worth sharing!
Remember that your goal here is to set some realistic priorities—to identify which life story angle you are going to tackle first (and that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s “the best.”). It DOES mean you’re choosing a topic
(a) that is currently at the forefront of your mind, for whatever reason;
(b) that you’ve already written a bit about and would like to develop further;
(c) that a family member has expressed interest in;
(d) that you feel some urgency about capturing before memories fade;
(e) or that troubles you, and you want to explore to write your way to clarity…
These are just some of the reasons you might choose one memoir topic over another. Simply having a gut feeling about one idea is reason enough to pursue it, in my opinion.
You can’t finish a life story book, memoir, or oral history memory-keeping project if you don’t start. By picking one of these ideas as your first priority, you’re on the right (productive!) path.
Do those four steps still feel too overwhelming?
Sometimes you may not be up for all that. There is another way: Set aside time for a few introductory personal history interviews. That’s what I am doing with the aforementioned client who was overflowing with life story ideas—we’ve scheduled three interviews that we are looking at as “data collection.” I will guide the conversations with an open mind, paying attention to those stories that get him excited, that spark 10 more possible related stories, that feel like the fertile ground I referenced earlier. I will also note those that may seem more like a chore to talk about, that don’t feel as urgent.
You can do the same thing with a loved one if you like. Ask a family member or friend to sit down for an intentional reminiscing session. It needn’t be a formal interview like the one I will have with my client, but it should be approached with purpose. Tell them what you are hoping to achieve (to narrow down your ideas for a memory-keeping project or personal history book) and invite them to ask questions and comment on what they find of interest. You can record the session to hear how your voice betrays your feelings about a given topic, or take notes as you go. Either way, I am willing to bet the very process of sitting down to talk about your memories will both get you excited to begin preserving your stories for real AND help you decide which aspect of your life to explore first. Good luck!
Ready to start writing your life stories?
Don’t stress about the quality of your writing—use your authentic voice.
Not sure how to proceed but still chomping at the bit to preserve your life stories? Consider scheduling a free 20- to 30-minute phone consultation to see how we could work together.
Why a “coffee table” life story book?
After we record your personal history interviews, I craft your story and photos into an heirloom coffee table book—not a video, not an audio file. Here’s why.
One of the most compelling reasons to preserve your personal stories in a coffee table book? You’ll display it in your home—which leads to people picking it up and engaging with it…which leads to even MORE story sharing and connection.
While I realize that most people have still never heard of a “personal historian,” I have been heartened over the years to understand that most people ARE interested in the services we offer—preserving life stories and family history, often through oral interviews; and the values we hold—a respect for preservation, a love of storytelling, and an abiding belief that intergenerational connectedness is a balm for the soul!
Often when I meet someone new and describe what I do, they ask me, Why books—why not video? Or, Why coffee table books specifically?
Well, the fact that I create personal history books in no way diminishes my respect for other forms of storytelling. If you prefer to record your loved one’s voice and receive edited audio recordings for your family archive, I can refer you to the perfect person to help you with that. Envisioning your family member talking about their memories on film? I’ll happily refer you to a video biographer I know and trust.
Me, though—well, I love books. And I have decades of experience in print. It’s my thing.
Large photos and ample white space give your heirloom book visual interest and breathing room.
My expertise is in print. And books have my heart.
I worked in magazines for years, back in the heyday when printed magazines were thick and juicy…before they were stunned by online journalism and “content creation.” I worked with some of the best writers, editors, and creative directors around at titles as diverse as Vogue, Harper’s Bazaar, Vanity Fair, Parenting, Child, and Latina. I gained a career’s worth of experience in compelling interviewing, project management, and visual narrative. And it’s both a love of the print medium and my desire to continue using all those storytelling skills that drive me to tell YOUR stories in print.
I turn your stories and family photos into heirloom coffee table books because I know you will display such a book in your home. Having your book out all but guarantees people will pick it up and engage with it. And designing it with great photos—and with plenty of entry points—makes it even easier to engage with: so the stories you have included in the book will encourage more (in-person, out-loud!) story sharing.
Some have heard me say, “I don’t want to read a 500-page book of straight text about Obama or Madonna, forget about my grandmother!” That’s not to say I don’t want to KNOW their stories—I do! I just want them presented to me in a way that’s inviting. Arresting. Compelling. INTERESTING!
Generations from now your ancestors will not need a new computer or updated software to access your book—they can pull it off the bookshelf and dive right in!
Print is the forever media format.
A book is a physical thing, with a sense of heft and permanence that the digital cannot provide. The tactile experience of reading a book is emotionally satisfying. A book confers status. It is special, and the story within is, too.
A book is destined to become an heirloom.
A book “can be read in the familiar tone of one’s inner voice, skipped where necessary, laid down when it pleases, and carried about freely,” wrote Robert Graves in 1958. It will never need to be upgraded, archived, or converted to a new media format.
In a digital world, print stands out.
And by the way: Merging print with digital can be more powerful than each medium alone; both serve different functions and are not only valid, but essential. As such, a digital version of your print book is always available: it serves as a backup of the book, and is more easily shared among friends who are not near.
Are both a form of social media? You bet. While you can share and tag and collect comments on a digital book, you may gather around a physical book on your table, laugh, share stories, relive memories, and...make some new ones.
Life Story Links: March 14, 2023
This week's curated roundup includes a quick guide to RootsTech 2023, lots of conversation about reading and writing memoir, plus notes on legacy and research.
“What is writing but we put our heart on a piece of paper and then we hand those pages to somebody else?”
—Megan Stielstra
Vintage St. Patrick’s Day postcard
Reading memoir…
MORE THAN A LIFE ON THE PAGE
“Sometimes, a writer can use more than their own recollections to tell a personal story.” John Hendrickson, author of the reported memoir Life on Delay, offers up six memoirs that go beyond memories.
FORMATIVE FRIENDSHIP
“By the time I was a junior at college, I’d already met everyone I cared to know.” This short excerpt from Will Schwalbe’s new memoir, We Should Not Be Friends, is as irresistible as the unlikely friendship he chronicles.
“STILL LIFE AT 80”
“Sometimes the present is interrupted by a memory so vivid that I am in two places at once.... These are the moments in which past and present are fused. I like to imagine them as little paperweights, holding my life together before it all blows away,” Abigail Thomas writes in her new memoir. Read a review here.
…and writing memoir
A LITERARY QUADRANGLE
“Only you and I know who wrote this book,” Gloria Swanson said to Wayne Lawson at a launch party for her memoir, Swanson on Swanson, in 1980. The ghostwriter sets the record straight four decades later.
THE SELF, REVISED
“It’s the human imperative, this piecing together of a life. And so, word by word, we lay down our tracks.” Dani Shapiro on discovering that her family’s secret was embedded in her writing before even she knew the truth.
TO BETRAY OR NOT TO BETRAY?
“I had anchored myself in the why—not just why I’m writing the book, but also why I included certain details.” This story about the ethics of writing about others has a paywall, but you can get a free trial subscription if you’re interested. (I am a paid subscriber to The Isolation Journals with Suleika Jaouad and highly recommend it both for her heartfelt, raw first person writing and her interviews and writing prompts.)
HISTORY AND IMAGINATION, CONVERGED
“A writer is interested only in his origins. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it? A writer wants to know, at every level, where it is he comes from.” Chris McCormick on visiting the Armenia he had brought to the page via his imagination.
FICTION’S BLURRY BORDERS
“Now I think we all are...living our lives and making up stories at the same time, our brains running smoothly down both tracks.” Jesse Lee Kercheval tries to figure out where life ends and fiction begins.
Sending messages across time
BEQUEATH YOUR VALUES
Last week I shared recommendations for resources to help write your ethical will—including a nitty-gritty workbook and a book with 12 guiding questions and a wealth of inspirational examples.
LOVE LANGUAGE
After her father’s cancer diagnosis, Google Translate became Mium Gleeson’s tool for survival—and then, remembrance. Read her beautiful meditation on keeping her dad close.
Contextualizing research
“A WILD ARCHIVE”
Imagine being one of the researchers invited to sort though a centuries-old cache of undelivered mail, all seized from merchant ships during wars from the 1650s to the early 19th century? Here’s a fascinating look at what some of the letters reveal.
UNCOVERING AN 1860S NEIGHBORHOOD
As a visitor to NYC’s Tenement Museum, I have wondered at the wealth of research that goes into creating the stories of the everyday families they highlight. Listen in as a museum VP walks through some behind-the-scenes research into a new exhibit:
RootsTech recap
The world’s largest annual family history conference was held earlier this month and a flurry of posts around the interwebs chronicled the goings-on. Here are a few highlights:
“Making family history discoveries is one thing. Learning how to craft those discoveries into stories that will capture the attention of the next generation is another matter entirely.” Watch the hour-long presentation, “The Anatomy of a Story,” by Crista Cowen, here.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the organizers of RootsTech, share recent research that provides some empirical evidence that learning family history has a positive influence on adolescent identity development. Read the study abstract here.
Ancestry announced the launch of Storymaker Studio, a new suite of tools on the Ancestry app.
There is a rich back catalog of classes that you can watch on-demand at the RootsTech site.
You can also virtually browse the exhibitors that were in-person at the event this year.
...and a few more links
From The Atlantic: “20 Biopics That Are Actually Worth Watching”
A look at a new documentary, Film, the Living Record of Our Memory
iMemories named to Fast Company’s annual list of the world’s most innovative companies for 2023
“Stories my father told me shaped my life. Later, I learned they weren’t true.”
On this episode of Things That Matter with Martie McNabb: A pen, a purpose, and a passion
A publisher who was arrested while preparing to release an unauthorized biography of Xi Jinping has been freed after serving a 10-year sentence.
Boy recreates grandmother’s photos from 1955 to help her after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's
Vintage photos show what life was like in the White House during John F. Kennedy’s presidency.
Short takes
Two great resources to help you write an ethical will
Ethical wills—also called legacy letters—are great ways to pass on values and life lessons to your descendants. These two books will help you create your own.
One helpful resource to guide you in writing your own ethical will: this step-by-step book from Susan Turnbull, founder of Massachusetts–based Personal Legacy Advisors.
“What do I want my loved ones to inherit, in the broadest sense of the word?” Susan Turnbull asks in her guide, The Wealth of Your Life.
So, beyond the physical wealth you have accumulated in your lifetime, what else should you think about passing on? Things like your values, your stories, your family history—these things make up intangible wealth that, for many, is as important (if not more so) than your material assets. But how, exactly, to pass those on?
Leave your values, not just your valuables
The answer comes in the subtitle to Turnbull’s book, “A Step-by-Step Guide for Creating Your Ethical Will.”
An ethical will is simply a document you create to pass on wisdom, stories, and other information you feel is vital for your loved ones to know. It is an opportunity to share love, gratitude, and lessons with them. To leave a legacy with words.
Originally an ancient Jewish oral tradition, ethical wills have come to be known by more descriptive modern terms such as legacy letters and forever letters—but no matter what they are called, their intention is “to share the deepest truths of our lives for our loved ones to know and to hold even when, especially when, we are gone,” as Rabbi Steve Leader writes in For You When I Am Gone: Twelve Essential Questions to Tell a Life Story.
My life story?, you might be thinking. Well, yes, you may endeavor to preserve your full life story for the next generation (if you’re on my website, you know that’s undoubtedly something I champion!)—but most ethical wills are shorter documents (often between two and 10 pages, Turnbull suggests) and therefore much more approachable. It may evolve over time, too. “Start by creating a short message that captures the most important things you want to say,” she writes. “Peace of mind will be your immediate reward. You can add to that core message later, as time and inspiration allow.”
Here are two very different resources that I highly recommend for anyone interested in crafting your own ethical will.
The best books to help you craft your own ethical will
1 - a practical ethical will workbook
Susan Turnbull’s workbook is meant to be read and filled in—so get your pen ready!
Title: The Wealth of Your Life: A Step-by-Step Guide to Creating Your Ethical Will by Susan Turnbull
Who it is right for: A self-starter who wants to craft their own ethical will by the end of Turnbull’s book.
Biggest benefit: The nitty-gritty guidance (including, for instance, a list of values to consider writing about, and questions to narrow down your intentions) is thought-provoking; and the worksheets are incredibly helpful tools that also mark your progress as you go.
Consider: Buying one guide for yourself and another for your life partner, sibling, or a close friend—going on this journey together may provide both motivation and a means to grow closer.
This is a short, spiral-bound book that’s meant to be used as a tool. The author has broken out the steps to creating your ethical will not only clearly, but gracefully: Questions and prompts are accompanied by “lightbulb” asides that nudge you in the right direction, plus short examples of real-world answers that illustrate, among other things, that using your authentic voice is a powerful thing.
One of my favorite tips: You can convey values without sermonizing. “It is in your everyday life that your values find their expression.” In other words, use stories to reveal your values. Writes Turnbull, “In so doing, your values become obvious, you provide an interesting record of a slice of your life, and you will touch your audience in ways you can never imagine.” Indeed.
2 - an inspirational read that leads by example
I recommend reading Steve Leder’s book twice—once to relish the personal writings within, then again with the intention of answering his questions to craft your own ethical will.
Title: For You When I Am Gone: Twelve Essential Questions to Tell a Life Story by Steve Leder
Who it is right for: Anyone who wants to immerse themselves in years’ worth of wisdom, all the while becoming inspired to share your own.
Biggest benefit: Thoughtful, rich examples of excerpts from ethical wills from a wide variety of people of differing backgrounds and life experiences. The answers people provided to the 12 guiding questions Leder supplies are heartening and motivating.
Consider: Finishing your ethical will and then…writing more! For me, personally, answering the 12 questions in this book promises to yield more than my ethical will for my son—a whole lot more.
An ethical will can be both a way for descendants to remember a lost loved one and a primer on how to live a better, happier life.
Rabbi Steve Leder—who has presided over more than a thousand funerals over the past three decades—knows the value of stories in creating legacy. If you ask the right questions, he says, meaningful stories pour forth. In this book, he has distilled those questions for us. “These questions are deliberate and so is the order in which I ask them,” Leder writes. “They have helped countless families tell the deepest, most honest, and often beautiful truths by which their loved ones lived.”
Sound intimidating? It’s shouldn’t be. Not only can you do this, but you will also gain insights and feel a sense of peace upon completion, “a promise of continuity,” as Leder says. While he thought he would be imposing on those he asked to contribute to his book, on the contrary, most of the individuals thanked him for allowing them the opportunity to be thoughtful and to share their stories.
The 12 chapters in For You When I Am Gone each introduce one question, some rationale for its inclusion, and then varied answers from real people. I recommend reading this book in its entirety, then beginning again with the intention of answering each question yourself as you finish its chapter. That’s what I have done.
Two messages that resonated greatly with me: ““We cannot learn from a story no one has ever told us” and “To share our story with someone is to say, you matter to me.” Leder also professes urgency: “My message is, ‘Don’t wait.’ Because none of us ever really knows which conversation might be our last.”
For You When I Am Gone is the best book on life writing that I have read in years; it has become the book I have gifted most often since it was published last year. I hope you’ll pick it up, and that you’ll take the messages from Leder and Turnbull to heart and begin writing your own ethical will.
This clever turn of phrase from Turnbull’s guide says it all: “What you have learned is as valuable as what you have earned.” So pass it on—please!
Note: This is an unsolicited review of two books I purchased at full price. I did not receive any compensation or free products in exchange, and any endorsements within this post are my own.
Affiliate disclosure: As an Amazon Associate, we may earn commissions from qualifying purchases from Amazon.com.
Life Story Links: February 28, 2023
This week's curated roundup has a focus on first-person narratives and how they inform history, plus stories on artifacts of memory, memoir, and family photos.
“I have always encouraged collecting memories—it helps people form a connection with something that makes their lives more meaningful.”
—Martha Stewart
Vintage illustration of diners at the Hotel St. Regis in New York City, circa 1905, courtesy of The Miriam and Ira D. Wallach Division of Art, Prints and Photographs: Picture Collection, The New York Public Library Digital Collections.
First person narratives, for the record
“AMERICA’S MISSING STORIES”
Julieanna Richardson has been preserving Black Americans’ first-person stories for decades. The digital archive she created “had grown so vast, the collection so significant, the Library of Congress agreed to become its permanent repository.” Explore The History Makers archive here, and learn about Richardson’s extraordinary journey here and below:
SCHOLARLY RESEARCH INTO FAMILY MEMORY
A new study “focuses on how memory is constructed, communicated, accomplished, negotiated, and hindered in the family context” in a changing media environment.
PANDEMIC PROJECT
“Most Americans think they know the story of the pandemic. But when I immersed myself in a Covid oral-history project, I realized how much we’re still missing.” One reporter delves into the stupefyingly large archive.
“IT IS MY JOB TO SHARE OUR STORIES”
“Lately, I’ve wondered how my son will view Black History Month. I don’t want him to feel like his history is an aside. I want him to know that his history is a part of who he is.”
Artifacts of collective memory
A NEW LIFE FOR HEIRLOOMS
Don’t let your family mementos sit in boxes collecting dust, advises Clémence Scouten. On the blog for The Biographers Guild of Greater New York, she shares tips to curate family artifacts and preserve their stories in a book.
LOST AND FOUND
The result of one man’s extraordinary efforts, the Museum of Lost Memories helps reunite misplaced family mementos with their owners. Listen in to “the Sherlock of TikTok” as he describes his why:
FOLLOWING THE VISUAL CLUES
A photo album found on the shrapnel-strewn beaches of Okinawa in 1945 made an incredible journey across decades and an ocean, with serendipitous help from a friend of a friend of a friend…
THE BIGGER PICTURE
Even photos with no context submitted by community members of Black Archives are “still filled with stories. I think it’s so beautiful when people recognize something in that photograph that resonates with them, and they think back to their childhood...”
REVEALING RESEARCH, RESPONSIBLE STORYTELLING
“To create the narrative, I had the mindset of ‘start chipping away at the archives.’ In the end, we wanted to display the truth being an equally painful and uplifting story because that is the history of the continuous battle for racial equality.”
Memoir through various lenses
ART APPRECIATION
“My heart is full, my heart is breaking, and I badly want to stand still a while,” Patrick Bringley writes in his memoir, All the Beauty in the World: The Metropolitan Museum of Art and Me, reviewed here.
FOOD AS A PORTAL TO THE PAST
“There’s a cozy vibe, like a church supper cookbook (with famous congregants),” writes this reviewer of My First Popsicle: An Anthology of Food and Feelings edited by Zosia Mamet, a collection of personal essays that explore memories and identity through food.
A HOUSE WITH MEMORIES
On a recent meandering through the archives of The New Yorker, I encountered this wonderful piece by Jamaica Kincaid. “It is only now that I can think of the luxury of a man’s children choosing to dispose of the substantial things he might have left for them, choosing to keep only the recipes for pies and cuttings of old roses—choosing memories, as opposed to the real thing, the house.”
THE CHALLENGES OF PERSONAL NARRATIVE
“I’ve been writing about myself and my family for two decades, but masking it in fiction. And that made it easy. But now I’m putting myself out on Front Street. Who do I write about? Who don’t I write about?” After 15 books, Bernice McFadden says her first memoir is the most difficult thing she’s ever written.
Miscellaneous
RECIPE FOR SUCCESS
Last week I shared a detailed primer on how to create your own heritage cookbook, from recipe gathering and testing to editing, designing, and printing your family cookbook.
TWO JEWISH KIDS AND AN IDEA
“From time to time, Joe would pause and look in the mirror, striking a pose or screwing up his face he imagined a character would make, then go back to his paper and try to re-create it.” The bedroom origins of Superman.
AUTOMATED “MEMORIES”
“When your smartphone tosses up a photo memory, it’s a bit of a crapshoot. Sometimes you get to…enjoy a compilation of your children’s birthday parties over the years. Other times, it’s heartache.”
...and a few more links
March is Women’s History Month, and this year’s theme is “Celebrating Women Who Tell Our Stories.”
an interview with Annie Brewster, co-author of The Healing Power of Storytelling: Using Personal Narrative to Navigate Illness, Trauma, and Loss
Review: NYC Storefronts by Joel Holland, a book of colorful pencil drawings of well- and lesser-known mom and pop shops around greater New York.
Arthur Balfour’s parents’ love letters published by the National Records of Scotland
Read an excerpt from the new memoir Sink: A Memoir by Joseph Earl Thomas.
Short takes
Your 10-step plan for making an heirloom-worthy family cookbook
From gathering recipes to editing, from design to printing, these steps will walk you through how to create a family cookbook to preserve your food heritage.
This family cookbook hones in on the recipes of one family member known for her prowess in the kitchen, Granny Cooper.
Want to put all your family recipes into a printed cookbook? Doing so will not only ensure that generations’ worth of foods get passed on, it will also give you the opportunity to indulge in some nostalgia and revisit childhood memories (ah, the smell of my mom’s roast chicken! the texture of Nanny’s potato pancakes!!).
Creating a thoughtful, heirloom-worthy family heritage cookbook takes planning and a fairly serious time commitment, but don’t let that stop you. This 10-step plan—with details on how to execute each step with flair and accuracy—will take the stress out of making your family history cookbook (heck, you might even find the process fun).
1. Decide on a theme.
Sure, your theme can be as broad as “our family recipes,” but I encourage you to go a little deeper; a tighter focus invites more meaningful storytelling and will ultimately help you curate which recipes to include. Some ideas for family cookbook themes:
Cooking with Nana
Holiday Dishes of the Ruggierio Family
The Tastes of Our Childhood
Mama Nash’s Birthday Celebration Secrets
Three Generations’ of Schwartz Recipes
Grandpa Lou’s Barbecue Bible
Categorize your recipes any way you wish—and remember, you can always make a companion volume down the road.
2. Gather recipes.
Here are some key places to look to ensure you get all the recipes you’d like to include (you don’t want to be hunting them down midway through the design process, so focus on finishing this before moving to the next step):
recipe boxes
file folders
magazines and cookbooks (even handwritten faves can be stuffed inside)
your computer
other family members’ homes
in someone’s head (if Bubbe is the only one who knows how to make the matzoh ball soup you love, best get the details out of her head and onto the page!)
I suggest brainstorming a list of recipes you’d like to include with a family member. Having a partner can help not only with accountability but also with discovery.
And don’t discount simple favorites such as the easy vinaigrette your mom made on every school night—you might be surprised by how the simplest of “recipes” can escape us years later.
3. Get cooking.
You didn’t think you’d get away with writing a cookbook without a little recipe testing, did you? If you want the recipes you include to be truly useful, cooking them with someone who has never done so before is a great opportunity to learn what steps may not be clear enough. Include specific tips whenever questions arise—for instance, “a cast iron pan works best” or “letting the meat get to room temperature before roasting will ensure even cooking.” Make sure that all ingredients have measurements; all recipes have cooking times and temps; and, when possible, indicate how many servings a recipe yields. Take notes as you cook and edit your written recipe accordingly later.
A useful approach: Test recipes over the course of a few months so you don’t feel rushed (and can truly enjoy the results over multiple meal seatings). When you’ve worked out all the kinks, then schedule a few consecutive days to cook many of them again, this time with photography in mind. I recommend taking some photographs during prep (you could do a still-life of some key ingredients, or take shots of a sauce simmering on the stove, or of a family member stirring the pot) as well as taking well-lit pictures of the finished dishes, either styled on your counter or at the table with family members included. A cookbook with gorgeous photos is sure to inspire!
4. Determine how you will record everything.
If you are working towards a printed cookbook, at some point all your recipes and stories will need to be typewritten and placed in one document—but that doesn’t mean you have to start that way. In fact, taking handwritten notes in a dedicated notebook while preparing your foods (see previous step) is an efficient way to get everything down accurately. Having a partner will also expedite your process: One person cooks and preps while the other takes notes (and later, takes photos).
If you are including stories alongside your recipes (please do!!), you may want to dictate your memories and record them with an app on your phone—there are plenty of AI-powered transcription services now that make converting your audio files to type easier than ever (check out rev.com or otter.ai). Remember that handwritten recipes will need to be typed up, as well, so they can be imported into layout software and designed after editing.
5. Edit the contents of your book.
Now that you’ve got all of your heritage cookbook content in one file, it’s time to edit. First, focus on structure: Sort your recipes into categories according to the theme you selected at the outset, and place them in an order that makes sense. Add subheadings for each section, as well as any stories that will accompany your recipes.
Next, edit for readability: Cut extraneous things, add explanation where it seems necessary, inject personality into your writing (this is your family cookbook, not a college thesis), and generally make sure everything makes sense and reads well. (A great tip for any kid of writing: Read along out loud and see where you get tripped up—chances are you need to fix your phrasing or shorten a sentence.)
Finally, it’s time for copyediting. If your grammar and spelling skills aren’t stellar, I suggest asking someone else to take on this step. This is where you fine-tune language and ensure consistency of everything from punctuation to fraction styles to ingredient amounts.
P.S. I can hear your groaning about this step—yes, it’s tedious, but impeccable editing will elevate your cookbook from a homespun craft to a real family heirloom.
6. Find a printer.
Yes, I advise you to decide upon a printer before you begin designing your book. Why? Because knowing their specs—available trim sizes, importantly!—and pricing options will help you decide upon a format that best suits your needs. If you know you are printing 10 or more books, you’ll be able to find a printer that discounts bulk orders; and if you just need one or two copies of your cookbook, then print-on-demand is the way to go. Some publishers may have their own proprietary software that makes designing a book with them easier; while others will expect you to prepare press-ready digital files in professional software such as InDesign (not something you want to be learning from scratch for this project, I assure you). This step and the next (design and production) are by far the ones most people need help with, but if you’re fairly tech-savvy and willing to devote some time to this project, you can create something special.
7. Design your cookbook.
If you are not a designer, this can be one of the most challenging steps, especially if you’d like your book to look professional. I recommend finding a few favorite cookbooks to emulate—you may find those on your bookshelf, or a trip to the local library may be in order. Here are a few basic tips to get your cookbook design going:
Create a design template according to the specs from the printer you selected.
Limit your typeface usage to two basic font families: one serif and one sans-serif. Set all stories and accompanying text in a classic serif font such as Times New Roman or Baskerville, then set the actual recipes in a sans serif typeface that has multiple weights such as Futura or Helvetica.
Be consistent with image placement—perhaps a horizontal image of the finished dish at the top of each recipe or a full-page image on the page across from your recipe. The stronger your photography at the outset, the stronger your finished family cookbook will be!
Choose a fairly neutral color palette so your design complements the photographs rather than competing with them. That doesn’t mean no color at all, but rather colors that will work alongside your images. Did you use bright pottery in the images for your Mexican-food cookbook? Then bold colors such as orange and blue may work. If your book includes mostly muted tones (images of bread baking and lots of flour and dough, for instance) then perhaps a combination of a subdued blue and a shade of taupe will work. Whatever combination of colors you choose, use those few tones consistently throughout the design for a cohesive look.
Include page numbers and foot lines throughout the book.
Create a table of contents listing all the recipes and their corresponding page numbers—and if you’re ambitious, also include an index so readers can locate recipes by ingredient.
8. Proofread your book, please!!
You’ve worked so hard to produce this special legacy cookbook—it’s worth your time to read it two, three, even four times to ensure there are no mistakes after it is designed. Ideally you will also ask another individual to give it a read, as your own closeness to the project can make it hard to spot some errors. Copyeditor pro tip: Don’t forget to read the largest type on the page; too often our eyes will skim right over headlines and titles, and that’s the last place you want to see a typo!
9. Print your book.
Hopefully you already settled on a printing service in step number six above. At this point you will need to export your pages in whatever format your printer designates—generally either high-resolution jpegs or PDF files. Check to see if you need to account for bleed (photographs or colors that run off the edges of the page), and pay attention to any warnings for low-resolution images—you’ll want to replace those so your book prints beautifully. After uploading your book files, do a final check to make sure everything looks good before hitting “send.”
10. Share your heirloom cookbook with your family.
Why not host a party with some of the dishes featured in the cookbook? Take some pictures and keep the memory-making—and legacy—going. If you’re gifting the cookbooks to family members, handwrite a dedication on the title page to personalize the books for each recipient.
Free Guide: Preserving Your Food Memories
Download this free printable guide with family history questions designed to elicit food memories.
